Cycles and Miracles

  I thought that 2014 was a hard year. Everything just seemed difficult. I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C, my cat disappeared, my parents had health issues, and things just kept changing at my job. 
I did my best to accept things and I was fairly successful at it. I learned to live with my diagnosis, I loved the remaining cat, I traveled back and forth to Indiana to take care of my parents, and I made adjustments to my job to deal with the changes. 
 2015 began with challenges. My father died January 4. It was the unexpected expected. We knew he was ill. We knew he was going to die. We just didn't think it would be now! 
I gathered up my family,from our annual Christmas vacation in California,  as soon as I got the message that time was near. We headed home to Arizona and in less than 24 hours I was on my way to Indiana. 
 He died before I could get to the hospital to see him. I did all the things that you do in that situation. Helped make the arrangements, flew the family in, and prepared for the big day of mourning. 
 I had a complicated relationship with my father. In my younger life, I hated him. In my middle life, I tried hard to forgive and move on. In my sixties, I loved, and sometimes pitied him. It was complicated. 
 I was absolutely shocked at the grief noises that came out of me and the feelings I had to process. Was I grieving for him? for my mother? or for the years that we could not connect on any level? A question that I  still have no answer for. I think I will spend the rest of my life working out that relationship. 

                                 My father, just before his death. 

In the beginning of March, I was told that I was going to get the treatment for my Hep C and it would be very affordable. A miracle. I started treatment. It was challenging but not impossible. 
 Two weeks later, my 18 year old, handicapped niece died. It was for the best. My mother called it a "hard blessing". I grieved, but not for her. I grieved for her parents, losing their only child. I grieved for the death of everyone's dreams when she was born with such insurmountable problems.  Again, I was shocked at the level of my grief. 

                                   My niece and her father.

Then my great aunt died. My mother was so sad. She lost her friend. I grieved for them both. 
  Last week, two more losses. A dear friend, Sue, and then within hours, another friend, Mike, died. Both had cancer. Both were too young. I grieved for their families and the lives that were too short. 

Then the cycle changed. My son, Paul, informed me that they are expecting a child! Then, Ben, young man, that  had lived with us during his teen years, told me that they were expecting a miracle baby after years of trying. Last week, a baby was born to one of my son's friends, Rachel, that we have remained close to. 

                         The expectant parents!

During all of these emotional challenges the hep c treatment continued. It was difficult.  Yesterday, I was given the news that
 I AM CURED. A miracle. 

                         My husband and I at the Kiwanis 50's fundraiser.         

 I know that the cycles of death and birth will always be with us. Why am I surprised when it happens? 
  I know that miracles are around us and occur everyday. Why don't I expect them? 
  I know that every day of my life the unexpected is waiting for me. Why am I often challenged with it? 
  I know my husband is truly a saint. 
  I know that I am loved and supported by my friends and family. 
  I know that my gratitude is the true expression of my love. 

Acceptance.

I always seem to get there. I fight. I am angry. I cry. I struggle. I feel depressed. I accept. It is the process. I never seem to totally appreciate the process until I realize that I am starting to accept. All of us have to "accept the things we cannot change".That road to acceptance is hard. It is strewn with obstacles.
 I have recently had to accept that my body is ill and that I will have to change my lifestyle, change my physical appearance, (my hair color and my weight), and figure out how to pay for the cure. This has been a challenge. A few months in, I am finally seeing a glimmer of acceptance.
 I have had some relationships, recently, that have changed drastically. Again, the road to acceptance is challenging. I grieve. I rage. I try to understand. Today, I am starting to feel the tendrils of acceptance wrap around my heart.
  Occasionally, I fly through the stages of grief and anger and land in acceptance gracefully. That is really not my norm.
 I am an analyzer. (Some people have said it is the "Virgo" nature.) All I know is that I have always been this way. Question everything. Look at all sides of the situation. Beware of snap judgments and snap decisions! Research it. Think about it. Pray about it. Obsess about it. Accept it. 
 I believe that on some issues and situations, true acceptance takes years. 
 I like the saying, "It is what it is". It implies that we have accepted everything. It is a lie, that acceptance, but if you say something often enough, it starts to feel true. 
 I think that as we age we have to accept more. We  don't have control of the aging process. It controls us. The body has pain. The body does not work as well as in times past. The body sags and wrinkles.The joints stiffen.  Again, a certain level of acceptance is needed to live a happy, normal life. 
 I accept that there are many things I cannot change.
 I accept that I cannot always be in control. 
 I accept that life will be hard and it will be wonderful, sometimes in the same   hour. 

 I accept that everything will always turn out better than I expected!

Who knew it could be so hard???

I have always known that my life is good. I know that when I look around I have no problems. Even as I write this, I know I have no problems....really. Why does it seem so hard?
 My father has had some intense health issues in the last year. I have been back and forth to Indiana a few times to help out and lend support. That has been hard.
 The staff at my business is in flux. I have had one retire, one go back to part time, and one is on the verge of leaving for a different life. What that means in my world is that I have to pick up the slack and do their jobs. I know how. I like to work. Just now it seems hard.
 In March, I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C. An accidental diagnosis when I donated some blood. It seems I have had this in a dormant state for a very long time. The issue is that if I don't get it treated soon, I will become very ill.  Right now, the symptoms are starting to surface. Extreme fatigue. Pain.
 The insurance companies have refused to pay for the treatment and the specialty pharmacies want $166,000.00  for the medication. Right now, I am doing nothing except waiting for a better option. It is hard to wait and tests my patience greatly.
 I have a loved one having a difficult time in life. It affects me very much, because all I can do is pray for everything to be better. It is so very hard not to be able to just fix things for the people that you love.
 I am exercising. I am eating well. I am not drinking. (Damn. That might have made this not so hard!) 
  I have good friends who have been  and are being very supportive. I have a husband who is a rock. It is hard to watch him be so strong through these times.
 Am I whining? Absolutely.
 Will we withstand these trials and move forward? Absolutely.
 But, right now, it just seems HARD.

Grief.

We all have experienced grief. Some people stay in it and wear it like a badge. Some people ignore it. Some people pass through it to the other side. I believe that there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. We all  just have to handle it.
  I pass through it. I analyze every feeling. I try to feel it and let it go. I puzzle about it. I am not sure if there truly is a "we'll meet again" side to grief. I mostly just try not to let it control me.
 Our cat, Manny, is gone. We loved that cat. There is no real closure, because he just is gone. We have no idea what happened. I have shed tears, raged, worried, and wondered. I have grieved. 
 He was the friendliest cat I ever had. He loved my husband to excess. He loved the rest of us almost as much. He has been so missed. He was part of a trio. Manny, Moe, and Jack. He was the adventurous one. He was the fearless leader. He was the king of shedders. He was one of a kind. He was loved.

More Expectations.

I was "in a mood". It is over. I realized that almost everything that I was dealing with was just an issue with me. I had expectations. 
 I have often, jokingly, said that I need to lower my expectations . I now realize how true that is! I have done it. The expectations are lowered and the mood is much better. What a simple fix!
 I know that this sounds like a downer, but think about it. I don't expect you to be my friend. If you are, that is grand. If not, okay. I don't expect you to want to do what I want to do. Control is overrated. 
I don't expect anything from you, so imagine my delight when I get something! I can't fix anyone, I can only attempt to fix me.
 Lowering my expectations has brought me more peace than I could have imagined. I have known, almost my entire life, that I am alone. I just forgot that for awhile. My soul got confused. I started to live in a dream world where I thought I could control things. WRONG! I forgot that we all have our own paths. I forgot that our paths cross and intermingle, but ultimately, we all have our own paths. I forgot that all I need to do is what I need to do. What I need to do is love. I finally remembered, God is love. We are love. I am here to love.
 Someone  once said, "love, even when you don't feel like it". I am striving to do that very thing. 

 

Christmas vacation 2012.

Every year we try to take a vacation the week after Christmas. Our favorite place is San Diego. We like to stay at a condo there and spend a lot of time on the beach. The kids like to spend time in the water....I don't. It is too cold.

There is always a little winter weather while we are there. It makes for a beautiful ocean!
 Our grandson is 8 on this trip, so we decided to go to Legoland. We had never been there. Our adult children had gone there some years ago. It was fun, but oh so crowded!!!

 

                                                Our grandson with his Lego friends!

 

                                                               Under the sea!!       

Making our own Lego creations. 

       

Lego city.

Family with Lego lion! He sure loves his Dad!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tablet time, back at the condo!

Our annual "how tall am I ?" pic!

Autographing the sand.

Storm!

Annual Christmas on the pier pic!

Ride 'em!

Boogie boards! We don't care if the water is cold!!!

There is a certain comfort in going to a familiar place to do familiar activities with family. We are already  booked for next year and hope more of the family will come!

       

I am in a mood!

I'm in a mood. It is not necessarily a bad mood, just a mood. I have been feeling a little anti social. My husband says it is "a hunker down and survive"  mood. I haven't named it yet. 
 The mood started last September and it is changing, but not going away. 
Is this just moving deeper into the 60's? I have had attitude changes in every decade of my life, so I have to assume that the 60's will be no exception. 
 In September, I had two major changes in my life. The pharmaceutical company that made my wonderful estrogen blend tablet stopped making it. I had to hustle around and find a replacement or go without. I tried both. I am never going to go without again unless I am given absolutely no options! I hate hot flashes!!! Changing a major hormone definitely makes you moody.
 The second change was that my life at the gym changed. My trainer and friend moved into another cycle of her life. I no longer had a "written in stone" reason to be there, so I let work and life interfere. I have never stopped exercising, but I no longer lift heavy weights. Oh my, I miss that!
 We have traveled a lot in the last year and that has been a mixed blessing. I have enjoyed all my travels, but I feel stressed when I am home to get it all done.
 Life cycles, things change. A long term friendship has gone away, a friend did not support me at a major event, and my hairdresser got pregnant. 
 I am dealing with the loss of the friendship, although it has tortured me. I am dealing with the loss of support from my friend and trying to understand why. I found a new hairdresser. ( And I got a lovely God daughter!)
 I have friends. I have a support circle. I have an attitude.
 I always have been, by nature, a fixer, a nurse, a nurturing person, a get it done sort. I have a lot of fire.
 Now, I don't want to hear it. If you have an issue, fix it or stop whining. If you can't get it done alone, ask for help or live  gracefully and quietly with the consequences. 
 Waa waa waa. I do not want to be a whiner. 
 I do want to do something different everyday. I want to learn. I want to experience. I want to find God.  I want to change. I want to travel. I want to work. I want to move my body. I want to be.
 I am working on understanding and acceptance. 
I am in a mood.

Cozumel, Mexico

The last stop on our cruise was the island of Cozumel, Mexico. The island is 8 miles wide and 30 miles long. It is a stop for many cruise ships, sometimes have 7 ships there at once!

I hired a guide, Adiel, that I read about online. I emailed him for a very long time before the trip. It was a very good experience. He showed us the island, and took us to a local neighborhood restaurant for lunch! The people here are poor and the main industry is tourism. The island is safe, because no one wants to mess with the tourism and the cruise ships will leave if there is ever a problem!

Tourist beach. $15.00  for a day's use. Complete with wireless!

 Beach toys included!

 Nice pool with a bar in the center.

 Out houses!

 Beautiful beaches. The rocks are limestone!

There were some deep holes in the limestone!

Beach bar!

 The last Mayan ruins we went to. These are the newest and the least excavated. They were built 1000-1200 A.D.

 How many iguanas can you see? There were a lot of them in these ruins!

 More igauanas! There are at least 2 in this picture!

                                                               Cool jungle tree!

                                                   The local food was excellent!

Scooters are the primary transportation on the island. You can put as many people, adults and children, on one as long as helmets are worn!

Grocery store and fruit stand.

Wall with broken glass imbedded into it. Security is still an issue! I enjoyed this island, and I will be back in Jan. on another cruise. I think we have seen the island and will not feel obligated to be off of the ship much.
The Caribbean is nice, but I still prefer Alaska! Maybe the Jan cruise will change my mind!!!