TRUE FEAR

Day 1
I have experienced true fear and anxiety and it was shocking. I never thought that I would react with such physical symptoms. Shaking, chills, and nausea. 
We  were given some information that our business was going to be robbed at gun point the next morning. Shocking news. This news was delivered just as we sat down to our Valentine's day family dinner. Total loss of appetite. Shock. We were told to be at the business early in the morning where the SWAT team would be waiting. 
The night was horrid. I shook, I had chills, I prayed, I dreaded morning, and I did not sleep. Every scenario played through my mind. What if, what if, what if. I hate those words and yet I just could not make them go away.
 Day 2 
 I got up in the morning and put on clothes that I thought blood would come out easier if I were shot. I chose my least favorite jewelry to wear, in case it was stolen off of me. I put on running shoes.
The police called early and said that we should act normal! Seriously. We took one vehicle in and let them know when we arrived. They said we were safe, that they had "eyes on us".  The nausea only got worse. The anxiety heightened.
  The SWAT team arrived and slipped in the back door. Big guns. Bullet proof vests. Helmets. 
 The employees arrived and we had to all be "normal". 
We had to change our inventory to look good, but not be valuable. We had to hide the valuables in odd places. We had to hide the bulk of the cash. Photographs of everything were taken.
The call then came, that it probably would not be today, but tomorrow. Great. 
Every time the door opened my heart raced. Every customer was scrutinized. Paranoia reigned supreme. We had to cancel all plans for the day. No one could leave the store early.
We had to doing everything in pairs. No going to the bank or post office alone. 
Finally, we started to joke and laugh. Humor is a true form of salvation. 
The SWAT team left and said they would return in the morning. 
Fear retreated, but did not leave. Anxiety sits on the door step. Appetite is missing. Conversations about possible realities take place. Who should be in the show room if they come. What if the unthinkable happens? The men are determined to protect the women. The women are determined to stand with them. Everyone has been told to hit the floor and crawl to the back if something happens. 
 Finally, it is time to close. Such relief. Everyone has to leave together.
 There is no cooking tonight. Thai food. Comfort food, but no real appetite to eat it.  Hunker down. Don't go outside. Keep the alarm on. Don't talk about it. Wait for morning. 
 Day 3. 
 Up early after another sleepless night. Fatigue may win over fear! The Police called and said maybe today. The SWAT team would be in, same time, same place. I suppose we are getting better at this. Still nausea, IF I allow the thoughts to intrude in the morning routine. 
Paranoia still reigns at the store. No robbery. Everyone is still on high alert, but we can at least use our cell phones. 
The SWAT team leaves around noon and we are left, again, to ponder the activities of the morning. 
 We try to act normal. We take care of customers. We look at every customer and every car with suspicion. 
 We laugh and joke and I run out (alone!!!) and buy Frosties for everyone. ( I call it hostage relief!!) 
The Chief of Police calls and says no SWAT team tomorrow. Their "eyes" will be on the outside and on the bad guys. 
We all experience relief, then the what if's start. After all of this, are we okay on our own? Will the bad guys come after us before the good guys can stop them?
 I talk to my friends. I think I need the support, in spite of the police "silence rule". I know who talks and who doesn't.  I have such a loving support group. It reinforces in me that true friends are few and how grateful I am for them.
 I feel so loved and supported. 
 I hate these feelings of fear. I have always known that I am in a business that is a target for bad people, but I truly hate it when it when the reality brings it home and makes it personal. 
 About five years ago, the business had a burglary. I felt so violated. The bad guys came in under MY DESK. Our life changed that day in so many ways. We had an alarm system installed in our home. We became so much more security conscious. I still carry the paranoia of that time with me. Now.....
 The positive is that we have reassessed our preparedness for the worst scenario.  We have had conversations we would not have had. I have faced an extraordinary amount of fear, stress and anxiety and survived.  I have taken care of business while stepping around BIG guns! 
 I have no idea what days 4, 5, 6, etc. will bring. I do know that I can handle it.  I faced the fear. I will face it again, as often as I have to and I never have to face it alone. I am supported. I am loved.
 I am even getting hungry!