GUNS

I had to buy a gun.  I have never bought a gun before. I have won guns at charity events, I have been given guns, but I have never bought one. I never thought that I would NEED to buy one. 

 I was raised with guns. I have a deep respect for guns. I have shot many kinds of rifles and shotguns, but I have never shot a hand gun. 

 Buying a gun was not a fun experience. I waited in line behind 17 people at the Bass Pro shop to get the gun I had ordered. I saw more than 17 guns being purchased. (You can buy 5 on one permit!) I filled out the paperwork, passed the background check, bought the ammo and I now own a handgun.

 I like the gun. It is the gun the police recommended. I researched it. It is small. It is deadly. 

I hate the reasons for the gun. I hate that it might actually get used for more than target practice.
 I am not a killer. I don't like killing anything. I eat meat. I approve of hunting. I understand that deadly force can be necessary.
 I don't know, short of protecting a loved one, that I can kill. Does anyone really know that? I have had some sleepless nights recently, and one of the things that is keeping me awake is, what am I capable of doing? 
  I would like to think that I am a person who lives in a non violent state of mind. I would like to think that I could never use deadly force. I would like to think that I would never need to use deadly force. Do I live in la la land? 
 The events of the past few days have been life changing. I will never see some things the same. The shadows will always be in the back of my mind.  

Fear has been stopped at my door step, but I have been given new eyes.