Expectations

 I told my husband last night that I am feeling grouchy. When he asked me why, I said that I feel like the "illusion of control" has been ripped away from me. I get that I have no control over anything, except the way I react, but I like the illusion that I do! 

 Last week was July 4th week. It is always a big deal. We have a party at a friend's garage, across the street from the fireworks, and the family comes to visit. 

 This year it seemed hard. It was harder because my cat, Moe, got injured by an unknown assailant two days before the 4th and had to have his right ear amputated. (Expensive and stressful.)

 I felt tired. I wanted to be light and happy and helpful, but the reality was, I felt  grouchy, stressed and tired. That is not the fault of anyone but me. I pushed through and did everything that was expected of me. I smiled, I worked, I played with my grandson, and got all the tasks done. I tried very hard not to show how grouchy I felt.

 It got me to thinking how often I have done that. Push through, meet the expectations that everyone seems to have for me. Am I a better person for having done that? Was there ever an option? Are the perceived expectations real? or do I just think that they are? What would happen if I didn't push through?

 I have really high standards for myself and my behavior. When I don't live up to those standards, I think I suffer more than anyone around me. 

 My daughter in law asked me once if I ever fully relaxed. What a difficult question. I would love to say yes, but I am not sure that is true. I have "down" time, but full relaxation is a hard one.

 I get massages, but it seems that I often am having a conversation with the therapist or solving a problem while that is happening. Maybe, I just don't know how to shut up!!

 My biggest stress relief is exercise. If that cycle is interfered with, life becomes really difficult. 

 I think there is guilt in relaxing. I come from a very strong work ethic and never really felt ok about "doing nothing". 

 I love to read. I love to cook. I love to watch tv and movies. I love to exercise.  I love to be alone. 

When I am alone, I read. I watch tv and movies. (I rarely am sitting still when I do this. I am usually doing a task of some sort.) 

Is all of this my form of relaxation? Is the solution to the stress just spending more time alone? Maybe.....

 I am organized. I like routine. I cope with change, but it takes a little time on my part. When my routine gets thrown out, there goes my "illusion of control"! 

 Does it really matter if I get it all done?

I believe that when you routinely do something well with a positive attitude that people expect you to always be that person. I believe that you set yourself up for that perception of you in their reality. If you fail to live up to that perception they are disappointed and then you end up questioning yourself. What a circle that becomes.
 I make waffles on Sunday morning for my husband. He is an easy going guy. If I wanted, he would take me out to breakfast. The expectation is, though, that I will make waffles. I love to make waffles. I love to cook. It is an expectation that is shared by both of us.
What differentiates that kind of expectation from others? I believe that it is security in the knowing that if I change anything, it will be okay.
 I think that we hope that many of the expectations that have been put upon us by others are not "written in stone". Just because I did the task and took on the responsibility does not mean I want it every time. Just because I did the right thing, does not mean I was job hunting!
 I have to watch myself in the same manner. Do I always expect the same from my friends? I need to learn to "Let go, Let God".
I am always telling myself to lower my expectations and I will never be disappointed. Is that just an unwillingness to let people be who they are? Or, is it a way of protecting myself and my feelings?
 Is it unreasonable for all of us to have a certain level of expectation of behavior from those close to us? I reality, I think not. Do we all need to be flexible and accepting and loving? I think we do.
 I want to be that helpful person that people can depend on.This is my expectation of myself.

  I am that person.