Grief.

We all have experienced grief. Some people stay in it and wear it like a badge. Some people ignore it. Some people pass through it to the other side. I believe that there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. We all  just have to handle it.
  I pass through it. I analyze every feeling. I try to feel it and let it go. I puzzle about it. I am not sure if there truly is a "we'll meet again" side to grief. I mostly just try not to let it control me.
 Our cat, Manny, is gone. We loved that cat. There is no real closure, because he just is gone. We have no idea what happened. I have shed tears, raged, worried, and wondered. I have grieved. 
 He was the friendliest cat I ever had. He loved my husband to excess. He loved the rest of us almost as much. He has been so missed. He was part of a trio. Manny, Moe, and Jack. He was the adventurous one. He was the fearless leader. He was the king of shedders. He was one of a kind. He was loved.

More Expectations.

I was "in a mood". It is over. I realized that almost everything that I was dealing with was just an issue with me. I had expectations. 
 I have often, jokingly, said that I need to lower my expectations . I now realize how true that is! I have done it. The expectations are lowered and the mood is much better. What a simple fix!
 I know that this sounds like a downer, but think about it. I don't expect you to be my friend. If you are, that is grand. If not, okay. I don't expect you to want to do what I want to do. Control is overrated. 
I don't expect anything from you, so imagine my delight when I get something! I can't fix anyone, I can only attempt to fix me.
 Lowering my expectations has brought me more peace than I could have imagined. I have known, almost my entire life, that I am alone. I just forgot that for awhile. My soul got confused. I started to live in a dream world where I thought I could control things. WRONG! I forgot that we all have our own paths. I forgot that our paths cross and intermingle, but ultimately, we all have our own paths. I forgot that all I need to do is what I need to do. What I need to do is love. I finally remembered, God is love. We are love. I am here to love.
 Someone  once said, "love, even when you don't feel like it". I am striving to do that very thing. 

 

Christmas vacation 2012.

Every year we try to take a vacation the week after Christmas. Our favorite place is San Diego. We like to stay at a condo there and spend a lot of time on the beach. The kids like to spend time in the water....I don't. It is too cold.

There is always a little winter weather while we are there. It makes for a beautiful ocean!
 Our grandson is 8 on this trip, so we decided to go to Legoland. We had never been there. Our adult children had gone there some years ago. It was fun, but oh so crowded!!!

 

                                                Our grandson with his Lego friends!

 

                                                               Under the sea!!       

Making our own Lego creations. 

       

Lego city.

Family with Lego lion! He sure loves his Dad!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tablet time, back at the condo!

Our annual "how tall am I ?" pic!

Autographing the sand.

Storm!

Annual Christmas on the pier pic!

Ride 'em!

Boogie boards! We don't care if the water is cold!!!

There is a certain comfort in going to a familiar place to do familiar activities with family. We are already  booked for next year and hope more of the family will come!

       

I am in a mood!

I'm in a mood. It is not necessarily a bad mood, just a mood. I have been feeling a little anti social. My husband says it is "a hunker down and survive"  mood. I haven't named it yet. 
 The mood started last September and it is changing, but not going away. 
Is this just moving deeper into the 60's? I have had attitude changes in every decade of my life, so I have to assume that the 60's will be no exception. 
 In September, I had two major changes in my life. The pharmaceutical company that made my wonderful estrogen blend tablet stopped making it. I had to hustle around and find a replacement or go without. I tried both. I am never going to go without again unless I am given absolutely no options! I hate hot flashes!!! Changing a major hormone definitely makes you moody.
 The second change was that my life at the gym changed. My trainer and friend moved into another cycle of her life. I no longer had a "written in stone" reason to be there, so I let work and life interfere. I have never stopped exercising, but I no longer lift heavy weights. Oh my, I miss that!
 We have traveled a lot in the last year and that has been a mixed blessing. I have enjoyed all my travels, but I feel stressed when I am home to get it all done.
 Life cycles, things change. A long term friendship has gone away, a friend did not support me at a major event, and my hairdresser got pregnant. 
 I am dealing with the loss of the friendship, although it has tortured me. I am dealing with the loss of support from my friend and trying to understand why. I found a new hairdresser. ( And I got a lovely God daughter!)
 I have friends. I have a support circle. I have an attitude.
 I always have been, by nature, a fixer, a nurse, a nurturing person, a get it done sort. I have a lot of fire.
 Now, I don't want to hear it. If you have an issue, fix it or stop whining. If you can't get it done alone, ask for help or live  gracefully and quietly with the consequences. 
 Waa waa waa. I do not want to be a whiner. 
 I do want to do something different everyday. I want to learn. I want to experience. I want to find God.  I want to change. I want to travel. I want to work. I want to move my body. I want to be.
 I am working on understanding and acceptance. 
I am in a mood.