I always seem to get there. I fight. I am angry. I cry. I struggle. I feel depressed. I accept. It is the process. I never seem to totally appreciate the process until I realize that I am starting to accept. All of us have to "accept the things we cannot change".That road to acceptance is hard. It is strewn with obstacles.
I have recently had to accept that my body is ill and that I will have to change my lifestyle, change my physical appearance, (my hair color and my weight), and figure out how to pay for the cure. This has been a challenge. A few months in, I am finally seeing a glimmer of acceptance.
I have had some relationships, recently, that have changed drastically. Again, the road to acceptance is challenging. I grieve. I rage. I try to understand. Today, I am starting to feel the tendrils of acceptance wrap around my heart.
Occasionally, I fly through the stages of grief and anger and land in acceptance gracefully. That is really not my norm.
I am an analyzer. (Some people have said it is the "Virgo" nature.) All I know is that I have always been this way. Question everything. Look at all sides of the situation. Beware of snap judgments and snap decisions! Research it. Think about it. Pray about it. Obsess about it. Accept it.
I believe that on some issues and situations, true acceptance takes years.
I like the saying, "It is what it is". It implies that we have accepted everything. It is a lie, that acceptance, but if you say something often enough, it starts to feel true.
I think that as we age we have to accept more. We don't have control of the aging process. It controls us. The body has pain. The body does not work as well as in times past. The body sags and wrinkles.The joints stiffen. Again, a certain level of acceptance is needed to live a happy, normal life.
I accept that there are many things I cannot change.
I accept that I cannot always be in control.
I accept that life will be hard and it will be wonderful, sometimes in the same hour.
I accept that everything will always turn out better than I expected!
I have always known that my life is good. I know that when I look around I have no problems. Even as I write this, I know I have no problems....really. Why does it seem so hard?
My father has had some intense health issues in the last year. I have been back and forth to Indiana a few times to help out and lend support. That has been hard.
The staff at my business is in flux. I have had one retire, one go back to part time, and one is on the verge of leaving for a different life. What that means in my world is that I have to pick up the slack and do their jobs. I know how. I like to work. Just now it seems hard.
In March, I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C. An accidental diagnosis when I donated some blood. It seems I have had this in a dormant state for a very long time. The issue is that if I don't get it treated soon, I will become very ill. Right now, the symptoms are starting to surface. Extreme fatigue. Pain.
The insurance companies have refused to pay for the treatment and the specialty pharmacies want $166,000.00 for the medication. Right now, I am doing nothing except waiting for a better option. It is hard to wait and tests my patience greatly.
I have a loved one having a difficult time in life. It affects me very much, because all I can do is pray for everything to be better. It is so very hard not to be able to just fix things for the people that you love.
I am exercising. I am eating well. I am not drinking. (Damn. That might have made this not so hard!)
I have good friends who have been and are being very supportive. I have a husband who is a rock. It is hard to watch him be so strong through these times.
Am I whining? Absolutely.
Will we withstand these trials and move forward? Absolutely.
But, right now, it just seems HARD.
