GUNS

I had to buy a gun.  I have never bought a gun before. I have won guns at charity events, I have been given guns, but I have never bought one. I never thought that I would NEED to buy one. 

 I was raised with guns. I have a deep respect for guns. I have shot many kinds of rifles and shotguns, but I have never shot a hand gun. 

 Buying a gun was not a fun experience. I waited in line behind 17 people at the Bass Pro shop to get the gun I had ordered. I saw more than 17 guns being purchased. (You can buy 5 on one permit!) I filled out the paperwork, passed the background check, bought the ammo and I now own a handgun.

 I like the gun. It is the gun the police recommended. I researched it. It is small. It is deadly. 

I hate the reasons for the gun. I hate that it might actually get used for more than target practice.
 I am not a killer. I don't like killing anything. I eat meat. I approve of hunting. I understand that deadly force can be necessary.
 I don't know, short of protecting a loved one, that I can kill. Does anyone really know that? I have had some sleepless nights recently, and one of the things that is keeping me awake is, what am I capable of doing? 
  I would like to think that I am a person who lives in a non violent state of mind. I would like to think that I could never use deadly force. I would like to think that I would never need to use deadly force. Do I live in la la land? 
 The events of the past few days have been life changing. I will never see some things the same. The shadows will always be in the back of my mind.  

Fear has been stopped at my door step, but I have been given new eyes. 

TRUE FEAR

Day 1
I have experienced true fear and anxiety and it was shocking. I never thought that I would react with such physical symptoms. Shaking, chills, and nausea. 
We  were given some information that our business was going to be robbed at gun point the next morning. Shocking news. This news was delivered just as we sat down to our Valentine's day family dinner. Total loss of appetite. Shock. We were told to be at the business early in the morning where the SWAT team would be waiting. 
The night was horrid. I shook, I had chills, I prayed, I dreaded morning, and I did not sleep. Every scenario played through my mind. What if, what if, what if. I hate those words and yet I just could not make them go away.
 Day 2 
 I got up in the morning and put on clothes that I thought blood would come out easier if I were shot. I chose my least favorite jewelry to wear, in case it was stolen off of me. I put on running shoes.
The police called early and said that we should act normal! Seriously. We took one vehicle in and let them know when we arrived. They said we were safe, that they had "eyes on us".  The nausea only got worse. The anxiety heightened.
  The SWAT team arrived and slipped in the back door. Big guns. Bullet proof vests. Helmets. 
 The employees arrived and we had to all be "normal". 
We had to change our inventory to look good, but not be valuable. We had to hide the valuables in odd places. We had to hide the bulk of the cash. Photographs of everything were taken.
The call then came, that it probably would not be today, but tomorrow. Great. 
Every time the door opened my heart raced. Every customer was scrutinized. Paranoia reigned supreme. We had to cancel all plans for the day. No one could leave the store early.
We had to doing everything in pairs. No going to the bank or post office alone. 
Finally, we started to joke and laugh. Humor is a true form of salvation. 
The SWAT team left and said they would return in the morning. 
Fear retreated, but did not leave. Anxiety sits on the door step. Appetite is missing. Conversations about possible realities take place. Who should be in the show room if they come. What if the unthinkable happens? The men are determined to protect the women. The women are determined to stand with them. Everyone has been told to hit the floor and crawl to the back if something happens. 
 Finally, it is time to close. Such relief. Everyone has to leave together.
 There is no cooking tonight. Thai food. Comfort food, but no real appetite to eat it.  Hunker down. Don't go outside. Keep the alarm on. Don't talk about it. Wait for morning. 
 Day 3. 
 Up early after another sleepless night. Fatigue may win over fear! The Police called and said maybe today. The SWAT team would be in, same time, same place. I suppose we are getting better at this. Still nausea, IF I allow the thoughts to intrude in the morning routine. 
Paranoia still reigns at the store. No robbery. Everyone is still on high alert, but we can at least use our cell phones. 
The SWAT team leaves around noon and we are left, again, to ponder the activities of the morning. 
 We try to act normal. We take care of customers. We look at every customer and every car with suspicion. 
 We laugh and joke and I run out (alone!!!) and buy Frosties for everyone. ( I call it hostage relief!!) 
The Chief of Police calls and says no SWAT team tomorrow. Their "eyes" will be on the outside and on the bad guys. 
We all experience relief, then the what if's start. After all of this, are we okay on our own? Will the bad guys come after us before the good guys can stop them?
 I talk to my friends. I think I need the support, in spite of the police "silence rule". I know who talks and who doesn't.  I have such a loving support group. It reinforces in me that true friends are few and how grateful I am for them.
 I feel so loved and supported. 
 I hate these feelings of fear. I have always known that I am in a business that is a target for bad people, but I truly hate it when it when the reality brings it home and makes it personal. 
 About five years ago, the business had a burglary. I felt so violated. The bad guys came in under MY DESK. Our life changed that day in so many ways. We had an alarm system installed in our home. We became so much more security conscious. I still carry the paranoia of that time with me. Now.....
 The positive is that we have reassessed our preparedness for the worst scenario.  We have had conversations we would not have had. I have faced an extraordinary amount of fear, stress and anxiety and survived.  I have taken care of business while stepping around BIG guns! 
 I have no idea what days 4, 5, 6, etc. will bring. I do know that I can handle it.  I faced the fear. I will face it again, as often as I have to and I never have to face it alone. I am supported. I am loved.
 I am even getting hungry!

Tennesee

 Our spring buying show was in Nashville, TN this year. I love it when the show is in an interesting place and we can wrap a trip around it. 

We went with two good friends and met two good friends there. It was held in the Opryland hotel. The hotel   covers over 41 acres and includes a river and waterfalls, under a glass ceiling. There are restaurants and bars and shops and a boat that takes you on the river. It is a delightful place. We had a wonderful convention and such a great time with good friends. 

 One of the reasons is was such a good experience, is that we all embraced the "group mentality". Group mentality, for me, is a challenging place to be. I think it is really challenging  when everyone has to give up their individual control to the group. We had a group of six, and the leader changed with the situation. We all met every group challenge with laughter.  In my experience, it is rare to be in that group. 

  One evening we went to the Grand Ole Opry. It was held in the old Ryman Auditorium in downtown Nashville. The show was traditional and had it's good acts. The cast is elderly but the guest artists vary. It was fun to be there. We had been there once before, years ago. Some of the same cast members were performing. It seemed like we were experiencing a little piece of history. 

 We spent a day at the Hermitage, which was the home of Andrew Jackson. It is a beautifully preserved home. It even has the original wallpaper on the walls. I was impressed with the honest way that they treated the history of slavery. I really like it when history is not revised.

We ate at a lot of nice restaurants. The specialty of the state is catfish. We did not partake. I am just not really good at the "bottom feeder" thing. We did eat a lot of fried food, chicken, hush puppies, etc. My gall bladder was screaming by the end of the week!

 

                          Cock of the Walk restaurant!

We decided to drive the Natchez Trace National Scenic Trail to Memphis. We drove over 100 miles on the road. Beautiful road, wonderful scenery, great hiking trails. No restaurants! We lived on trail mix and snacks that day!!

Memphis has Graceland and Beale Street. Not much else from what I saw. 

We spent a day at Graceland. I am not a big Elvis fan, but I did find Graceland interesting. I also have a huge admiration for their marketing machine! Wow! It was all Elvis, all the time. 

                              Graceland. 


Beale Street is the home of the blues. It is a couple of blocks of honky tonks. Loud music. Lots of booze. Strange people. We took some pics and left. Just not our kind of place. 

  We spent the next day at the Shiloh Battlefield. It is a big place. So many lives lost. (Over 26,000 total.) The battlefield is very close to what is was 150 years ago. It just reinforced in me how much I have always hated war. I was in college in the Vietnam war era and I have never changed my opinion. 

Our last day, we went to Lynchburg to tour the Jack Daniels distillery. Ironically, it is in a dry county where no alcohol can be served. It was an interesting tour. I learned a lot about whiskey.

Jack on the rocks!

 I sometimes forget how much water there is back east. We were around waterfalls, big rivers, swamps and a lot of creeks. I loved it, but it reinforced in me how much I love the big sky and vast emptiness of Arizona.

                                               Tennessee River

 

                                 

6 Words

I came across a magazine the other day that had an article called Six words. The point of the article is to describe your life in six words. What a  fun challenge. Here are some of my attempts.

I always see the big picture.

I love and hate food daily.

I think of my family first.
I am blessed to have children.

I wonder everyday who I am.

I am surprised by my mirror.

I love Robert more than anyone.

Work has always been my life.
I work so I can travel.
Traveling opens and enriches my mind.

Never leave without using the bathroom.

Once a nurse always a nurse.
Weight lifting totally changed my life. 

Every night I hope to sleep.
Marriage is completed by good sex.

I crave quiet I crave noise.
The ocean always restores my soul.

Art and culture are my delight.

Life is empty without a challenge.

The universe works in mysterious ways.

My animals have enriched my life.

Life brings very few true friends. 

Fear always lives on my doorstep.  

Every day is a new adventure. 

Who will death come for today?