Responsiblility

I think responsibility is the ability to answer one question. "If I don't do it, who will?"

 I have been the "responsible one" for decades.

 I had a working mother and younger siblings. I was raised to work. I chose nursing. I am a wife. I am a mother. I own a business. 

 At some point in my life, I became the one who took care of everyone and everything.When that transition takes place, everyone just assumes whatever needs to be done, will be, and they are right. It becomes a lifestyle. 

Now, I am working hard at letting all of it go. Not being the responsible one. What agony that is. I want to make sure it is all done. I want the control. I want the satisfaction of seeing things taken care of. I have a great fear of letting loose. 

 The hardest test is letting my children totally go. I am getting much better at it. I believe that is just another facet of fear. What if they fail????? What if their life isn't perfect??? (Really, whose life is??)

 It is hard for me to respect people who are not being responsible. I guess that is another form of judgement.......the same test over and over again.

 What if????? What if I don't do it? Will it get done? Does it really need to be done? What are the consequences to everyone? To myself?
 My goal is to only be responsible for myself. My actions. My life.
 If I give up this insane amount of responsibility, what will I do with all of my free time? Who will I be? 
 My self image is totally immersed in being that person who does it all.  How much of that reality is with me forever and how much can I release? Is it really ok to not be "the one"?
I have been learning to say "no" for the last couple of years. It is so hard. I want to do it all. I want to help everyone. 
 I am learning to focus my energy. I am learning where to be responsible. Some things you cannot avoid. Elderly family, business, and marriage will always be places that I need to be aware and responsible.
 I enjoy the responsibility of my home. I like doing laundry and dishes. (I sure didn't when I was young!)  I love my business. I want to take care of those I love. I never want to give up  family. 
 I think my personality will never allow me to be totally irresponsible, but I am going to give it my best shot!!!

Awakening

I read a blog about spiritual awakening the other day. They even had 12 signs that supposedly let you know when your spirit is coming awake!
 I decided to look at these 12 signs and see how I am doing.

1. An increased tendency to let things happen, rather than make them happen.

I am so not there. I think that if I don't get it done, it probably won't get done! I am willing to be more flexible with my life and if I feel overwhelmed, I just let go. That is a little let go, not a big one!

2. Frequent attacks of smiling.

This one I am pretty good at. I find humor in most things and I am really willing to laugh at myself and the absurdities of life!

3. Feelings of being connected with others and nature. 

I totally get this one. I understand unity. I feel the cosmic pull of life. I understand the mass consciousness of the planet. I feel it. I watch it. I try not to be pulled into it. (Sometimes, I even accomplish that!)

4. Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation. 

Again, I have this one. I am grateful. I have everything. My life is incredible.

5. A tendency to think and act spontaneously, rather than from fears based on past experiences.

This is a work in progress. Every day of my life, I work on becoming fearless.

6. An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.

Fail. I enjoy many moments of my life, but I don't enjoy them all. I work through things better than I used too, but I am so not there!

7. A loss of ability to worry. 

I believe if you have family, you worry.

8. A loss of interest in conflict.

I have never been really good at conflict. I had way too much as a child, so I have never had an interest in it. I avoid conflict whenever I can.

9. A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others. 

Again, fail!! I love to interpret the actions of others. Analyzation  is as natural to me as breathing. I analyze everything in my life and everyone.

10. A loss of interest in judging others. 

Everyday I work on not being judgmental.  It is so hard. I come from a Baptist background and the religion itself is judgmental. I learned it well.  It is a constant test in my life. I am doing much better, though. I think this is a test that I will eventually pass. Forgiveness is such a big part of this one.

11. A loss of interest in judging self. 

I am not sure how you can attempt to change without self judgement. I believe that you have to forgive yourself. That is probably the hardest one of all.

12. Gaining the ability to love without expecting anything. 

I believe that I am doing well with this one. I love many people and my expectations are very low. I am essentially just happy to know them.

So, Am I becoming spiritually awake? I don't know.

I do know that everyday I work hard on my life and my being. I do know that everyday I try to become fearless. Everyday, I try to forgive myself and try not be judgmental. I know that life is a gift and I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow in this life. I know that everyone is in my life for a reason and I have to work to understand and appreciate the reason. I know that everything I experience will teach me something, if I let it.


 I know that I want to be the best I can be and I will work really hard to get there.