Responsiblility

I think responsibility is the ability to answer one question. "If I don't do it, who will?"

 I have been the "responsible one" for decades.

 I had a working mother and younger siblings. I was raised to work. I chose nursing. I am a wife. I am a mother. I own a business. 

 At some point in my life, I became the one who took care of everyone and everything.When that transition takes place, everyone just assumes whatever needs to be done, will be, and they are right. It becomes a lifestyle. 

Now, I am working hard at letting all of it go. Not being the responsible one. What agony that is. I want to make sure it is all done. I want the control. I want the satisfaction of seeing things taken care of. I have a great fear of letting loose. 

 The hardest test is letting my children totally go. I am getting much better at it. I believe that is just another facet of fear. What if they fail????? What if their life isn't perfect??? (Really, whose life is??)

 It is hard for me to respect people who are not being responsible. I guess that is another form of judgement.......the same test over and over again.

 What if????? What if I don't do it? Will it get done? Does it really need to be done? What are the consequences to everyone? To myself?
 My goal is to only be responsible for myself. My actions. My life.
 If I give up this insane amount of responsibility, what will I do with all of my free time? Who will I be? 
 My self image is totally immersed in being that person who does it all.  How much of that reality is with me forever and how much can I release? Is it really ok to not be "the one"?
I have been learning to say "no" for the last couple of years. It is so hard. I want to do it all. I want to help everyone. 
 I am learning to focus my energy. I am learning where to be responsible. Some things you cannot avoid. Elderly family, business, and marriage will always be places that I need to be aware and responsible.
 I enjoy the responsibility of my home. I like doing laundry and dishes. (I sure didn't when I was young!)  I love my business. I want to take care of those I love. I never want to give up  family. 
 I think my personality will never allow me to be totally irresponsible, but I am going to give it my best shot!!!