Sleep

All of my life I have had a love hate relationship with sleep. I think you are a born sleeper, or a non-sleeper. Guess which category I fall into???? The last two nights have been terrible, sleep wise. It occurred to me yesterday that it is the Halloween season contributing to this. I really don't like this season. I believe that a lot of dark energy is released on the planet. The release of more dark energy than usual, disturbs my sleep. Nightmares, anxieties, and weird things plague me when I am trying to sleep and during my sleep. I have tried almost everything  "out there", natural and pharmaceutical, to help with sleep. I have come to the conclusion that there is no help. You sleep or you don't. I dream a lot. Some dreams are what I call  lucid dreaming. That means that I know I am dreaming, but I can control many, if not all, aspects and directions of the dream. I dream in color and black and white. I see dead people. I see things that may or may not happen.... I see unborn babies. I fly a lot in my dreams.
When I wake up after six hours of unbroken sleep, I am ecstatic! It is such a rarity.
The upside of not sleeping is productivity. I get a lot done, because I am awake. I also get to read a lot.
I read that "not sleeping" is harder on your body than almost anything else you can do. I wonder if it is really all the caffeine that I use. (Not as much as I used to, and rarely past noon!).
I have never wanted to waste my time sleeping. I have so many things I want to do, so many books I want to read, so many movies I want to watch..........Really? I have to sleep?????
When I was a child, I would read late into the night, with a flashlight under the covers, until my parents just gave in and let me stay awake and read. My own children did that, too. One of my children is a good sleeper and one is like me? Genetics?
I don't often get sleepy. I tend to be an energizer bunny kind of person.  I have always envied my friends that can sleep anywhere, and do! Every once in awhile, I will do a 10 min power nap. I hate a nap longer than that, because it will totally take away any chance I might have of sleeping at night. Even when I "power nap", it is not really sleep. Little more than a doze.
I have read that I am not alone in this. Many people, famous and infamous, young and old, and from all walks of life do not sleep.
I say that I will sleep when I am dead. I am not even sure that is true!!!

Gratitude

Lula and Peanut-no worries-Pit Bull and Cat

A cat in a CAT hat

Today I am feeling particularly grateful. I know I am supposed to feel that all the time, but that's not my reality. I strive  not to need or desire anything....then my desire body just goes for it. I think about all the material things I have and all the blessings in my life and then the demon SHAME appears. Why can't I be grateful all the time? Why do I get whiny about taking care of extended family. Why do I crab about working a lot? I am ashamed that I cannot reach the perfect "grateful space" all the time. Don't get me wrong. I AM GRATEFUL. Some days I just feel an incredible sense of well being in the universe. Some days, not so much. What is the difference? I know that I have worked hard, but a lot of people work hard and do not have what I have. I know that I am generous and giving, but again, so are a lot of people and more than me. I get in the space where I feel like I need to get rid of all the material "stuff". Other days, I just want MORE!!! It is probably all wrapped up in fear. That seems to be the answer to everything. Shame, blame, guilt, and fear. Are they the four horsemen of the the apocalypse on a personal level?
Do I fear if I give up the material that I will have nothing to grow old with. Will I grow old? Where is my gratitude for the life I have been given?  Will I always just be waiting for the other shoe to fall?
I feel guilty about being comfortable in my life when so many are not. I feel ashamed to talk about my blessings to those who have less.
I am grateful for harmony and peace and friends and most of the family. ( See there is the guilt thing again! Should I be grateful for all of the family????) I am grateful that I am healthy and that I have wonderful children and they have wonderful mates. 
The top of my gratitude list is my husband. Wow! To meet your soul-mate and be blessed to live with him for decades.
I am not a person of many friends. I am so grateful for those that know me well and still like me!!!
Mayo Angelou says "When you know better, you do better." Everyday, I struggle to know better and to do better. I guess staying grateful is just another part of trying to live, what life I am blessed with, well.
I believe that attempting to be grateful all of the time is life changing. The life I am trying to change is my own.
I am grateful for the opportunity to try.

Time

Time. I think that time is the most elusive concept that there is to grasp. I have clocks in every room of my house. Sometimes I watch the clock. Time is often my enemy and occasionally my friend. This past weekend we had a visit by our second exchange student and her family. After our initial hello, she said" I am the exact age that you were when you took me in.". I was 40. I have not seen her in 21 years and have had almost no contact with her. Here is the funny thing about time, I felt like I had just seen her yesterday. No time had elapsed in our relationship. So the question is, what is time? Why do I look in the mirror and wonder when I began to look old. I (mostly) don't feel old. Where does time go?
Some people feel that they have too much time, some not enough.  What makes you rich or poor in time? Our vocabulary is built around "time". That look is timeless. They are old timers. Sometimes I feel that time is of the essence and other times I feel that I have all the time in the world. Magazines and newspapers are named after time.
Well, I guess all I can say is that it is time to go. I am going have a really good time and some time I will get back to this!

Control

Control.
The other day, my daughter called me and said," I am turning into you!". This is not the first time I have heard that from both of my children. Sometimes they tell me that they hear my voice in their head. I have not experienced that. I have spent my entire life trying not to be my parents. I love them. I love my mother more than my father, but that relationship has always been a work in progress.
I think it is about control. I want total control of everything all, of the time. Don't we all? The challenge is the release of control. I think that everything we do is about control. I believe fear is about control. I fear what I cannot control.
Why is my daughter saying that she is turning into me? Why does my son hear my voice in his head? Those comments come from me trying to teach them self control. Self control is the biggest part of control. It is the only part of my life I can control. I can control how I react and how I behave.
 I deal with the public everyday. I deal with family on a regular basis. I often witness people's reactions to fear and their lack of self control. Everyday I am faced with something to challenge me. How will I react? Mostly, I am good. Mostly, I am fearless and willing to relinquish control. Then, come the tests. I think, as I age, the tests just get harder. Maybe it is because time is getting shorter. Maybe it is because I am noticing them more.
The hardest tests seem to be with family. I guess it is because I believe that I was born into my family to learn and to balance my karma with them. The family I married into is probably the biggest test of all. The obligations of "in law" family are different. I feel, on some level, like they are not really my family and the same rules do not apply. Is there truth in this? I have no idea. I have decided, over the years, to just try to do my best and to respect that my husband loves his family. We decided, very early in our marriage, that we both had to be there for significant occasions. Everything else was a matter of choice. It has worked out well. I am better at controling my reactions and letting go with them.

Can I ever totally release the desire to control?
Will I ever master self control? Does anyone? Is that the definition of enlightenment?

Fear

Fear. I spend part of everyday of my life dealing with fear. It is insidious in it's forms. I can be moving routinely through my day, and out of nowhere, a thought, uninvited comes in. I love Eleanor Roosevelt's famous quote,
" Do one thing every day that scares you". Today I made a heritage cake recipe. It is from 1938 and is such and old recipe that adapting it to modern methods and ingredients is challenging. My fear, what if it doesn't turn out? So what. I am just serving it to family. So the fear is not really about the cake, the fear is failure. Fear of failure movtivates me constantly. What if I don't get something done and done well. Is that failure? What if my business does not succeed? Public failure (the worst kind!). Is it okay to be afraid? I am afraid of snakes. It is a fear that I just have not been able to conquer. I hate touching them, seeing them, or even being at the snake house in the zoo. I force myself to go in and look at every one of them. I have touched a few, but I still am afraid. Ultimately is the fear of snakes, a fear of pain, illness, and death? Is it a fear of not having control? (Like we ever do??????)
When I was 5, I experienced sheer terror at Starvation Rock State Park in Illinois. I stood near the edge of the rock and knew that being anywhere high was not for me. This fear grew with me. By the time I was 13, I decided I had to get a handle on it. I climbed the first flight of stairs of a fire tower and could not go any further. I thought that fear defined me. It ruled. I set out to change that. I would go on the highest double ferris wheel and shake and sweat when it stopped on the top. Every chance I got, I would try to conquer fear. It has been such a long process, but I believed if I could conquer that fear, I could do anything. Skydiving was the ultimate test. I did it, and did it well. Okay, now I am done with heights...... I wish. Every once in awhile I go somewhere and out pops the fear. Not a lot, but enough to let me know I can never truly be in control of anything!!!

The goal of my life has been to be fearless. Not reckless. Fearless. I want to face any and all challenges with the sure knowlege that I am not afraid. The big fears, loss of a child, death, and loss in every form, are still there. I know I can survive these losses, but there it is, sneaking into my thoughts, my dreams, my life. Is this the decade of loss?  Will I ever truly be fearless?

Picnic

Picnics. When I was young, a picnic was a family affair. We baked the beans, fried the chicken, and put the potato salad in the ice chest, with the iced tea and kool aid, and headed out. We had table cloths for the picnic table and little covers for the food to keep the flies off. Fast forward. 2011. Today we went on a picnic. We grabbed the dog, drove through Taco Bell, and headed for the river. We feasted on our tacos, (all three of us) while sitting on a rock and watching the water go by. I loved the picnics as a kid, but today's was perfect.

Alone

Alone. I spend a lot of time alone. I am basically a social person, but I crave that alone time. I think about it a lot. One of the things " I know for sure" is that we are ultimately alone. What is the tipping point for too much time alone, when alone turns into lonely?  I know I have reached that point many times, but I usually just find a project or pick up a book and do my best to turn it back into alone time. I was alone today and family came to town. I was a little irritated with my time alone being interrupted, but family wins, sometimes. I left and spent the family time, only to get a call that MORE family is in town. I decided not to go. Will these decisions of not wanting to see people ultimately end up in lonely when I am old and alone?

30 years together and still goofy!!

30 years together and still goofy!

Pictures from the Carribbean 2010

 Parasailing

 Zip Line

Really?

  I turned 60 with a really good attitude. We went on a cruise to the Caribbean and I rode a zip line in Labadee, Haiti. I drove a two man motorboat to a cove and snorkeled. I knew this decade was just fine, like the previous ones. What I did not count on was waking up everyday to some new pain! Aches and pains. Where did these come from? I work out three days a week. I walk. I eat pretty good. Is this the harbinger of "old age" rearing it's ugly head???
 Now I am 61.  Turning  61 made me realize that I am now IN my 60's. Young people look at me and see old. Most days, I don't feel old. I still deal with the aches and pains, daily. I think that might be just the way it is going to be.  My contemporaries are now dealing with "health issues" and  deadly diseases. I have lost a few friends over the years to cancer and heart attacks, but I always thought that they were the exception, you know, only the good die young kind of thing. Now, I wonder, am I next? How will I handle the inevitable? With grace or with crabbiness?
 Family. We still have three out of four parents. Is this our decade of loss? Mom in  law  was in the hospital this summer. For a few weeks it was the ER and the hospital. Once upon a time, I was a nurse. I am not sure that I want that job anymore. I am not sure I will ever get a choice. Take care of family. Period. I am flying back to the midwest a few times a year. Take care of family. Period. When I am done with all of this, will I still be able to take care of myself, or will that job fall on my daughter, like it is falling on me? Don't get me wrong, I love all of these people and I want to do my best for them. I just wonder what my best is going to have to be.
 Children. They are married and have their own lives and families. I remember the struggles well, but I want to do everything in my power to save them from the hard times. I know, you cannot save them without destroying them, but it is a hard dichotomy to live with.
I want to treat my children like the adults that they are. My father still wants to treat me like I am 17, which is the age when I left home and  he last really knew me. It is hard to change that dynamic. Does it come from fear or habit:? Is the way we treat our kids just all about control?
  Work. I just went to a family reunion where I was the only one in my 60's still working. All the others were retired by age, or disability. While I am not jealous, and I definitely don't want a disability, it makes me wonder if I will ever have a "retired life". I have been self employed for so long, that I just can't see how not to work. I guess, like most things, that will take care of itself through age or disease! My parents have been retired for 20 years. My in laws were retired longer than they worked. I understand that a life like that will never be mine, but I do fantasize on what it would be like.
  I want to age well. Some people in my life are aging badly. I hear that whatever you are like when you are young multiplies when you age. I am mostly calm, but a little aggressive and bitchy when I think I need to be. Will I age to really aggressive and bitchy? I sure hope not. Maybe in the hoping and the thinking about it, I can just mellow more. All I know is I have really learned  what I don't want to be when aging.
  Marriage. I love being married. My 30th anniversary was this year. It was a quiet affair. We are a couple of comfortable old shoes. We just fit. It seems we have always known that it was a life long relationship, so it just hasn't been hard.
We celebrated with a cruise to Alaska, one of my favorite places. We almost didn't get to go, because mom in law was in the hospital when we left. We called in the sister and headed out of town. I was pretty determined to leave, come what may. I know that is not the best side of me coming through there! No excuses. I just wanted it. I wanted the week on a ship and Alaska. Not so surprisingly, it worked out. These things usually do. I try not to resent the intrusion that "duty" brings to my life, but often, I am not so successful.
 Travel. I want to travel everywhere all the time. I just returned home from a trip and I am planning the next 4. I wonder if we can afford to go and I wonder what will happen if we don't do it while we can. So many people say they will travel when they retire, and then illness and age interferes and they say, " if only we had done it while we were young or healthy". Since we are probably not going to retire and I hate " if only", I guess I will just keep traveling. I think I am done with foreign travel, except for Canada. I want to see the USA. The dilemma is always time and money. I guess figuring that out is my favorite hobby. How will we make the time and how will we pay for it. ( How cheap can I be and still be comfortable.?)
 The gym. I love weight lifting. I have doing it on a regular basis for four years. The gym is old. The equipment is old. I am old. I guess that it is a good fit. I have the ultimate luxury, a personal trainer, who is also a friend. The work outs keep me happy. They keep me young. They make happy little endorphins dance in my head. No matter the stress in my life, I leave the gym happy.
That leads me to food. I love to cook and bake. (Which is one reason the gym is so essential!!!) When I am
sad, I bake. When I am happy, I bake.When I am frustrated, I bake. See a connection? I try to cook a good meal once a week. Most weeks, I succeed. I love the complicated meal that takes all day to prepare. I love to watch people eat good food.
Wine and Jack. . I never drank, except for some college experimenting, until I was 50. The doctor told me to drink red wine for my health and it has been a lovely adventure. I love a good Cabernet. My perfect evening is a good meal and a great bottle of wine with good friends. Jack and coke is my favorite drink for a social event where I need to talk to a lot of people I don't know. One drink and I lose my natural shyness.  Really, I am shy. I hate meeting new people.
 So, life in my 60's.....the adventure continues.