Gratitude

Lula and Peanut-no worries-Pit Bull and Cat

A cat in a CAT hat

Today I am feeling particularly grateful. I know I am supposed to feel that all the time, but that's not my reality. I strive  not to need or desire anything....then my desire body just goes for it. I think about all the material things I have and all the blessings in my life and then the demon SHAME appears. Why can't I be grateful all the time? Why do I get whiny about taking care of extended family. Why do I crab about working a lot? I am ashamed that I cannot reach the perfect "grateful space" all the time. Don't get me wrong. I AM GRATEFUL. Some days I just feel an incredible sense of well being in the universe. Some days, not so much. What is the difference? I know that I have worked hard, but a lot of people work hard and do not have what I have. I know that I am generous and giving, but again, so are a lot of people and more than me. I get in the space where I feel like I need to get rid of all the material "stuff". Other days, I just want MORE!!! It is probably all wrapped up in fear. That seems to be the answer to everything. Shame, blame, guilt, and fear. Are they the four horsemen of the the apocalypse on a personal level?
Do I fear if I give up the material that I will have nothing to grow old with. Will I grow old? Where is my gratitude for the life I have been given?  Will I always just be waiting for the other shoe to fall?
I feel guilty about being comfortable in my life when so many are not. I feel ashamed to talk about my blessings to those who have less.
I am grateful for harmony and peace and friends and most of the family. ( See there is the guilt thing again! Should I be grateful for all of the family????) I am grateful that I am healthy and that I have wonderful children and they have wonderful mates. 
The top of my gratitude list is my husband. Wow! To meet your soul-mate and be blessed to live with him for decades.
I am not a person of many friends. I am so grateful for those that know me well and still like me!!!
Mayo Angelou says "When you know better, you do better." Everyday, I struggle to know better and to do better. I guess staying grateful is just another part of trying to live, what life I am blessed with, well.
I believe that attempting to be grateful all of the time is life changing. The life I am trying to change is my own.
I am grateful for the opportunity to try.