Fear

Fear. I spend part of everyday of my life dealing with fear. It is insidious in it's forms. I can be moving routinely through my day, and out of nowhere, a thought, uninvited comes in. I love Eleanor Roosevelt's famous quote,
" Do one thing every day that scares you". Today I made a heritage cake recipe. It is from 1938 and is such and old recipe that adapting it to modern methods and ingredients is challenging. My fear, what if it doesn't turn out? So what. I am just serving it to family. So the fear is not really about the cake, the fear is failure. Fear of failure movtivates me constantly. What if I don't get something done and done well. Is that failure? What if my business does not succeed? Public failure (the worst kind!). Is it okay to be afraid? I am afraid of snakes. It is a fear that I just have not been able to conquer. I hate touching them, seeing them, or even being at the snake house in the zoo. I force myself to go in and look at every one of them. I have touched a few, but I still am afraid. Ultimately is the fear of snakes, a fear of pain, illness, and death? Is it a fear of not having control? (Like we ever do??????)
When I was 5, I experienced sheer terror at Starvation Rock State Park in Illinois. I stood near the edge of the rock and knew that being anywhere high was not for me. This fear grew with me. By the time I was 13, I decided I had to get a handle on it. I climbed the first flight of stairs of a fire tower and could not go any further. I thought that fear defined me. It ruled. I set out to change that. I would go on the highest double ferris wheel and shake and sweat when it stopped on the top. Every chance I got, I would try to conquer fear. It has been such a long process, but I believed if I could conquer that fear, I could do anything. Skydiving was the ultimate test. I did it, and did it well. Okay, now I am done with heights...... I wish. Every once in awhile I go somewhere and out pops the fear. Not a lot, but enough to let me know I can never truly be in control of anything!!!

The goal of my life has been to be fearless. Not reckless. Fearless. I want to face any and all challenges with the sure knowlege that I am not afraid. The big fears, loss of a child, death, and loss in every form, are still there. I know I can survive these losses, but there it is, sneaking into my thoughts, my dreams, my life. Is this the decade of loss?  Will I ever truly be fearless?