Lurker

A lurker is a person who reads discussions on a message board,  chat room, Facebook, or any social networking site, but rarely or never participates actively.

I have been a lurker long before the word was invented. Back in the day, we called it shy, introverted, or just plain quiet. 

I was an extremely shy child. I think I may have been born  an extrovert, but a lot of my self esteem was abused out of me. As a result, I became very shy. It was difficult to speak to anyone I did not know. I blushed all of the time, I would never meet anyone's eye, let alone look at them. Every interaction was painful.

What I did excel in was being invisible and lurking. I sat in church, in school, anywhere I was and was so quiet, I became invisible. People would forget I was there and say anything. I learned to read lips. I shamelessly eavesdropped. I learned to read body language.

 I still read lips. I still shamelessly eavesdrop. I still read body language.  I still struggle with shyness. It is hard for me to be in a group and participate. If I am going to have to meet with people that I don't see a lot or know well, I plan the conversation before I go.  I think about what questions to ask and what to talk about. 

 I am constantly amazed at what people will say when they forget you are listening. Even what they will say about you, as if you are not even there. It seems to happen a lot. Maybe, I just see the lips, read the body language,  or hear what is not supposed to be mine to hear.

I love to lurk online. I read blogs, Facebook, twitter, and discussions on anything I am interested in.

This past weekend I was reminded of how the "shyness gene" never really goes away. I wonder, is it shyness or just another form of my old foe, fear?

Do I dread the group mentality because of lack of control? fear of not being liked? fear of not having anything to contribute?
Do I avoid the experience of interacting with new people out of fear or just plain disinterest? Where does shy end and self involvement begin?

 I think more people are lurkers, than not. I think we all have a fear of saying or doing the wrong thing.

 No doubt, that in my own comfort zone, there is no shyness in me. What constitutes that comfort zone? I think it is the security of feeling loved. I think we all bloom when we feel unconditional love.

 Do we miss important experiences with people when we give in to the fear of shyness? I have to think, yes.

How to conquer that fear? I work on that everyday. I think to understand that everyone feels exactly the same way. Are we all lurkers, in our own ways? 

Do we all feel insecure? Probably. I guess I will have to look at Facebook, or find a discussion board to find out!