Christmas

I really like Christmas. I like the music. I have been known to play Christmas carols all year long. Amy Grant's 'Breath of Heaven' is my favorite.  I like the decorations. I like the musical toys. I like the creativity that people have when they decorate. I am constantly amazed at the new and different ways there are to decorate a Christmas tree and the seemingly infinite variety of trees. I like the lights. Light displays delight me. I love driving around to look at all of them. It has been our Christmas Eve tradition for years. (Where do they put them all the rest of the year???)
I like the baking. I like home baked holiday food. Cinnamon rolls, so many different kinds of cookies and nut breads and peanut butter balls. My daughter makes the candy now! I love to share time in the kitchen with my daughter. I loved baking with my kids when they were home.
I like the shopping. I like figuring out what the perfect gift is and then finding it. I like the excuse to give my kids money. I really like online shopping!
I like the movies. It's a Wonderful Life. Elf. Miracle on 34th Street. The Santa Claus, 1, 2, and 3!  I watch them every year. I like the t.v. cartoons, especially Charlie Brown. 
I like the parties. I like hosting our work party. I like the Christmas clothes and jewelry. I love "ugly sweaters". I have great Christmas pins. 
I like Christmas cards and letters. It is the only time of the year I hear from some people.  I think about the letter I am going to write all year and I plan the pictures. I often say "this is the one for the letter" !!
I like the giving. I like helping the food bank. I like helping people to have a better Christmas, a better life. I like the fact that people are willing to be so generous.
I like the traditions. We celebrated Christmas the exact same way every year, even after the kids grew up and brought their families home.
I like Santa Claus and all of his incarnations, St. Nick, etc. I like the concept of a fat man in red clothes and a beard bringing presents. I really like Christmas stockings. 
I like the story of Christmas. I like Jesus in the manger. I look for the star and the angels in the sky. A well done Christmas Eve service, especially at midnight, will truly transport you to God. 
That is the like list. 
 I don't like the controversies over Christmas. I don't like people using Christmas to fight over semantics. Say whatever you want, just say it with joy. I don't like people complaining about public decorations. Just put it all up. I like menorahs. I think Kwanza lights are beautiful. Stop whining and fighting and using religion as the excuse.
 I don't like the obligation that Christmas gift giving causes. Should we exchange gifts? Do I have to give them something if they give me something? What if I don't like or don't want what I got. (Return or re-gift.. come on everyone does it!) I think gift giving should be from your heart. Give what you feel you want to give and leave the rest go, without guilt.
 I don't like the job of retail at Christmas. It kind of spoils the magic. Really long hours at work. We always said that Scrooge was really a jeweler! Dealing with the gift buying public is not always as fun as it sounds!!
 I don't like the bone crushing seasonal depression that afflicts so many people during the holidays. I don't like feeling homesick. 
 I don't like the way all of the holiday food makes me feel. (God forbid that I not eat it!) I don't like the total lack of regular meals and vegetables, because of our work schedule. 
 I don't like the fact that good people, in difficult economic times, feel deprived at Christmas. I really don't like that children are the biggest victims of the deprivation. 
 The biggest dislike I have is that I no longer get to see my children at Christmas. Being in retail means that you can never travel until after Christmas eve, so seeing anyone out of town just does not happen. 
 In spite of my too long list of dislikes, I am tearing up at the old favorite Christmas carols, reading all the cards and letters, and watching a Christmas special on t.v. while eating wonderful holiday homemade goodies.
 MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!


 
 
 

Change

                                       Cora Easter Meadows

I hate change. I love change. Change is the unknown. Change always comes when you least expect it. Change comes when you seek it. Everyday I think about change. The economy is changing. My looks are changing. (That damn age thing.) Some days even my hair color changes. 

 I seek out change. I do and I don't want constant change in my life. I l want to travel. I want to stay home and do projects.  I want different foods. I want my old favorite foods.  I am always seeking to better myself, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I hate it when someone "moves my cheese".  I want to be active and I want to lay around and read.

In my youth, I moved a lot. I changed jobs.  I changed religions. I even changed husbands! I felt sorry for people who had routine lives. Obviously they were missing out. Keep moving. Keep changing. Experience everything.

 Go with the flow. Let go, let God. I am a product of the '60's. We were the harbingers of change. Some even called my generation the "four horsemen of the apocalypse" because of the radical changes that we brought about.

 The big changes in life are the most difficult. (Duh!) I look back at how I have responded to the big changes and I see a common thread. I eat.

 Loss of a loved one tops that list. The longer I live, the more people I have loved and lost. The more unexpected the loss, the harder it has been to flex with the change. I know on an intellectual level that death for everyone is inevitable, but on an emotional level, it is still hard to believe.

 I have been making a concerted effort to be flexible. It is not the change, it is how I react to it. Wow! The universe noticed and has thrown change at me nonstop. I really think I am flexible, until I have to flex. It is interesting to me how quickly my emotions react to even the smallest change. Fear and anger seem to be the most readily available responses. I guess it boils down to my old nemesis, control. If I cannot control the change, I am not sure that I want it. I am getting better and faster at positive responses, but I am sure not there.

 Another component of dealing with change, is the other people involved in the changing situation. They are dealing with their own version of change and their reaction to it. That really complicates my response. I try not to be bitchy. I try to be logical. I am trying harder to be kind and see life from all sides. I try to take the "high road".   

I notice that I often deal with change with humor. I am really good at self deprecating humor. The older I get, the more I am willing to mock myself.

 What I really know is that everything changes and I cannot control that. I remind myself to be patient. Things will change or they won't.  Change is ultimately good. Change makes me look at everything a little differently.

 My grandmother lived all of her life (99 years) in the same place. She never drove. She told me once that she was lucky to have seen so many changes. She lived through several wars. She lived before the invention of the car and then got to fly in airplanes. She said change is a blessing. 

 I am really blessed.

 

 

Lurker

A lurker is a person who reads discussions on a message board,  chat room, Facebook, or any social networking site, but rarely or never participates actively.

I have been a lurker long before the word was invented. Back in the day, we called it shy, introverted, or just plain quiet. 

I was an extremely shy child. I think I may have been born  an extrovert, but a lot of my self esteem was abused out of me. As a result, I became very shy. It was difficult to speak to anyone I did not know. I blushed all of the time, I would never meet anyone's eye, let alone look at them. Every interaction was painful.

What I did excel in was being invisible and lurking. I sat in church, in school, anywhere I was and was so quiet, I became invisible. People would forget I was there and say anything. I learned to read lips. I shamelessly eavesdropped. I learned to read body language.

 I still read lips. I still shamelessly eavesdrop. I still read body language.  I still struggle with shyness. It is hard for me to be in a group and participate. If I am going to have to meet with people that I don't see a lot or know well, I plan the conversation before I go.  I think about what questions to ask and what to talk about. 

 I am constantly amazed at what people will say when they forget you are listening. Even what they will say about you, as if you are not even there. It seems to happen a lot. Maybe, I just see the lips, read the body language,  or hear what is not supposed to be mine to hear.

I love to lurk online. I read blogs, Facebook, twitter, and discussions on anything I am interested in.

This past weekend I was reminded of how the "shyness gene" never really goes away. I wonder, is it shyness or just another form of my old foe, fear?

Do I dread the group mentality because of lack of control? fear of not being liked? fear of not having anything to contribute?
Do I avoid the experience of interacting with new people out of fear or just plain disinterest? Where does shy end and self involvement begin?

 I think more people are lurkers, than not. I think we all have a fear of saying or doing the wrong thing.

 No doubt, that in my own comfort zone, there is no shyness in me. What constitutes that comfort zone? I think it is the security of feeling loved. I think we all bloom when we feel unconditional love.

 Do we miss important experiences with people when we give in to the fear of shyness? I have to think, yes.

How to conquer that fear? I work on that everyday. I think to understand that everyone feels exactly the same way. Are we all lurkers, in our own ways? 

Do we all feel insecure? Probably. I guess I will have to look at Facebook, or find a discussion board to find out!

 

Bitch?

What constitutes a "bitch"? I have had this name applied to me more than once, just for the act of asking questions and expecting answers. Now, I am the first to state that patience is not my strong suit. My husband, kindly calls me the "squeaky wheel". I have been dealing with a refinance for about a month now. I have faxed the same paperwork three times to two different people. I suggested that they attempt communicating with each other and the unspoken attitude screamed the b word at me! In spite of that, I keep asking them what they are doing and how they have come to these conclusions. It seems all will be done this week. Does expecting competency make you a b?
 I have been a female "boss" for many years. The b word has been thrown at me many times over the years. Again, I believe, it is for expecting competency from people .
 I think the other reason the b word is used to describe people is their willingness to talk  about "the elephant in the room". I hate unspoken problems. I think everything has some sort of solution if it is looked at. If you pretend it is not happening or do not admit the existence of the situation, then how can you fix it? or find someone to help?
 Is it control? Do you call someone a b when they are in control and you aren't?
 Well, in my life, right now, I feel it is the season of the witch. (B!!!!!)

Family Christmas

A wise person once said "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.".

Work

I love to work. I know, not a popular concept. I almost always have had jobs that I liked and some that I loved. I come from generations of people with strong work ethics. My Grandfather was an entrepreneur. He started his own gas station (ESSO) and general store in West Virginia. He expanded to appliances and then TVs. My father is a Baptist Minister. Always employed by a church, but essentially on his own to get the job done. My mother always worked. I really did not know that women stayed home after they got married!
 I wanted always to be a nurse.  It was never a decision, it just was. I went straight to nursing school after high school. I trained for CCU because I figured I could travel more if I had a specialty. It worked, I got a job anywhere I went without a problem. I think it was a wonderful way to learn how to deal with people and problems. It gave me a wonderful basis for being in a business that deals with the public.
I started to realize when I was 21 that I was a business looking for a place to happen. I sold everything to my friends. I sold memberships in  a record club so I could get free cassettes. I wrote a cookbook, put it together myself and sold out twice. I made costume jewelry and sold it. I crocheted hats and afghans.  I sold jojoba oil that I bottled myself.... you get the picture. 
I took accounting classes. I knew I could succeed in something.
 Then, I met Robert. The rest is history. He has the talent, I love business. A match made in heaven in so many ways. We  ate, slept, and breathed business. It has been our life for over 30 years. I am constantly amazed at how much I like to work and how well we work together. We have always been willing to "hold hands and jump off a cliff"!
We are both workaholics. We have tried very hard not to be consumed by it. Our children started working in the store when they were 3 and 5. They continued as long as they lived at home. They have not always loved the fact that they were born to workaholic parents, but they both are hard workers (high praise, in our family).
Don't get me wrong, I love to play, up to a point. I can't just do nothing, unless I am "trapped" on a cruise ship and even then, I find ways to keep busy.
I understood, early in life, that I had no artistic talents. I knew I was a creative problem solver and that I loved math, especially algebra. I think I would have succeeded earlier in business if women had been more liberated. My mother was a secretary all of her life. That often meant doing the boss's work for no recognition and a lot less pay. Women were not encouraged to own a business or even to manage one.  I watched her and learned. She wore pants to work! She was liberated for her day and is still very liberal in her approach to life.
 I don't have any kind of clear understanding of people who don't work. We have extended family members and friends who have always found ways not to work. It is a real test for me not to judge them harshly. On the other hand., I am a workaholic.........
 All of my jobs have had difficult days, but on the whole, I am really happy with what I do. If I had to choose again, I would have gone into business earlier.
Why am I writing about work? Today was a really busy day. It was exhilarating. I thought today how much I love my job and how blessed I am to have it.
 Of course, all of this is probably because I am the boss and it is all about CONTROL!!!

Health Insurance

Yesterday, Thanksgiving, I opened my mail from the day before. Yes, life is that busy! I had a letter from my health insurance company telling me that I was canceled. It seems they have decided "in the uncertain regulatory future" to cancel all individual policies. They did give me an option to use another company that will charge me more money for less coverage.
Insurance. I can hardly speak to the evil of it. I have had health insurance all of my life. I have paid more than  my life savings into it and I have received hardly anything in return. I had to pay a lot for each of my children.(They were worth it!) I had to pay a lot for the other two hospitalizations I had. Each time I had health insurance. High deductible, doesn't pay for much at all, health insurance. I hate the "what if" game. Insurance makes you an unwilling participant in that game.
In a few years, I will be on Medicare. It seems to me that Medicare is the game where the doctors and the health institutions do everything that they can do to take the government's (my) money. I have seen unnecessary tests ordered and oh too many specialists used, on my Medicare using friends and family. I am dreading being in that system. Again, no choice. You must have health insurance and you must go to Medicare.
By God's grace, good genes, and paying attention, I am healthy. I know that could change in a heartbeat. This fear is what the insurance companies are counting on.
Again, fear and control.

Sin

I just returned from 4 days in "Sin City". I sinned. At least that is what some think. I was raised in a very strict religious household. Sin was to be avoided at all cost.  It was a sin to smoke, to drink, to dance, to play cards, to gamble, and to even to think about sex! We prayed for forgiveness. We knew our sins were "washed in the blood". When you are that restricted, sin is sure inviting. I left home at 17 and I sure was looking forward to some sin. I thought I could survive the guilt! Sure enough, I was right.
When I was 28, in my search for my soul, I got involved in a "cult religion". I stopped sinning. I was pretty high and mighty. Stopped smoking, drinking, drugging, eating meat and sugar, and got married. (Again.) I had children. I spent all the years that they lived at home, mostly, on that straight and narrow path. I did eat some fish and chicken.
Then, they left. My doctor said drink red wine. I said okay. I started using sugar on a regular basis. I ate a little beef. I realized that my path is moderation in all things. I still love the "teachings" of that religion, but I can no longer be rigid. I don't want to judge anyone. I am a searcher. I want to live life fully, without being too far left or right. I want to walk the "middle way of the Buddha". I want to laugh and to love.
At my age, a little sinning goes a long way. It is good to be back in my boring routine.

Tiger Mom

I am a tiger mom. I did not know that term when I was raising my children. I called myself a lioness. Tonight, someone hurt one of my children's feelings. I want to do bodily harm to that person. I guess that protectiveness never goes away. I pushed my children hard. They pushed back. They both finished college. One finished graduate school. They are productive people. They are happily married. I know that I have to let go. I have let go a lot, but DON'T HURT MY KID!!! I guess that will never go away.

Obligation and Resentment

Life is full of obligations. Most of my obligations are self imposed. There is the obligation of being self employed. The obligation of having employees. The obligation of children. I chose all of these obligations. The obligations that I did not choose, but feel I must honor, are the most challenging ones in my life. The challenge is how to balance doing the right thing, with love, and not resenting having to do it. It is easier if the job comes with kudos. Most of the time, doing the right thing comes with silence. I have said for years that it is just "stars in my crown" when I do something unrecognized. I struggle all the time with a certain level of resentment. I guess I am back to that old evil, control.
I resent it when I am doing whatever it is I feel obliged to do and it interferes with what I want to do.  I know that I should just go for the "love and cheerful heart" thing, but when I least expect it, in comes the resentment. I try to be objective and balance my feelings. I often, do the right thing with an even (flat?) attitude and a fake smile. I have been told all of my life, if you want to have a good attitude, fake it, and the attitude will come. That is sometimes true for me. Abraham Lincoln said "You are only as happy as you make up your mind to be." It is my daily goal to make up my mind to be positive and cheerful. 
I have taken care of people all of my life. First as a nurse, then as a sales clerk. It is the same thing. Everyone has an obligation to be nice. You see a need, you try to take care of it. I guess the resentment comes, when nothing works. Since I cannot control anything except my attitude, it is up to me to make the adjustment. In rare situations, I just decide that I am done. The obligations that are "duty" are exempt from that. How do I  take care of whatever needs to be done and keep a good attitude about it?
I know people that are angels. They get up everyday and take care of a loved one and don't complain. I am not one of them. I feel bitchy and prickly when that resentment rises. It does me no good. The obligations do not go away.
Are these the "tests" that we are told we will have? Will I be one of those "duty obligations" for someone someday?
I will try my very hardest not to be, but if life has other ideas, I know that I will remember the battle  I have had with resentment. I know that I will be better.

Cruelty

I have a really hard time dealing with any and all kinds of cruelty. We had a couple of dogs at the end of our street for years that were always loose and outside in every kind of weather. They are both gone, now. First the brown one disappeared, now the black and white one is gone. I assume they are dead. I used to call animal control, just so they would get picked up and taken somewhere safe, where they were fed and warm. Now the house across the street from them have two dogs that they never let inside and have no dog house or shelter for them outside. At least the yard is fenced. I have not decided how to deal with that yet.
 I was raised with abuse. I have never decided if it was purposeful or cruel on the part of the abuser,  ( or a little of both) but it was cruel, none the less. I put off having children until I was in my 30's. I did not think I would ever have children. I knew, on some level, that there was a possibility that I would be a bad mother. When I was 29, I decided to confront my abuse issues. It took a lot of years, and I think it will never be totally done, but I did learn that I did not have to be an abusive person. (How much of abuse is just about control? Lack of Control?) It was sometimes challenging to stop the cycle, but I did not abuse my children.
 The side effect of being abused is the difficulty of confrontation. I am so much better at it, than I was. I am now able to confront anyone, but I am so shaky inside while I am doing it. Dealing with the cruel dog owners on the corner is going to be a planned confrontation. That is difficult, but not as hard as unplanned confrontation.
When I see people being cruel to their children, I watch carefully to make sure it is not just discipline. If it is over the top, I say something. That is a hard, but necessary thing. When I was in nursing, I had a terrible time working in pediatrics. When children or animals are in pain, I am a basket case. I am sure this is a result of my childhood ordeals. It is amazing to me that my son can work with stray animals. (He always loved all animals!)
  I often think I should volunteer in some organization that helps and rescues children. I am afraid of involvement in an organized way, because it might peel away another layer of  my psychology that I have to deal with. I have taken in a lot of kids over the years. Some for a very short amount of time, and some much longer. I feel that I helped rescue them in some way.
 I know that what does not kill you makes you stronger or crazy. I feel that it has made me very strong and only a little crazy.

Glasses

Today I got another pair of glasses. I do this on a regular basis. It is always a challenge. It is incredibly expensive.
I have worn glasses since I was 10 years old. I was never blind, just nearsighted enough to need them for distance. I broke and lost my share of many pairs of ugly glasses when I was a kid!
When I was 16, I decided I just had to have contact lenses. My father said no. I waited until I was a student nurse and convinced the eye clinic at the county hospital to fit me with a pair of hard lenses. I loved them, in spite of the pain and hassle. I still had to have back up glasses. In my mid thirties, I need bifocals. More glasses. I used a contact lens system. (soft ones, by then) called mono vision. A close up lens in one eye and a distance lens in the other. In my forties, I was told that I needed trifocals. More glasses. No more contact lenses.
I still break my glasses on a regular basis. My husband has soldered more frames that I can remember.

Ugly glasses. I broke these on purpose!

My first pair of wire frames. These backed up contacts for years.

Fashion glasses. They stick out too far.

 The biggest challenge with glasses is picking out the frames. I have tried being stylish. It is hard to pick out a frame that you will wear, most of your waking hours, for at least a year. When I got a little more money, I would buy 2 pair of glasses, so I would not only have the back up pair, I would have choice. I still often ended up with at least 1, if not 2 pair of glasses that I did not really like.
Now, in my sixties, I have decided "fashion be damned". I will only wear the rimless or half rim "granny glasses" with the trifocal lines, that I truly love.

Control 2

I love logic. I love computers. I dislike control oriented programmers! I have spent 4 days installing a new server at the store. The installation went easy until it came to the tag printer. For many years we have shared the tag printer among 4 computers. Now, the jewelry software people want to sell me a printer for each computer and have programmed the software to no longer share. I hired my brother to do a work around, but so far it has failed to workaround the software. (We did find a mechanical work around.)  The programmers tell me that it is for my own good. They tell me that if each computer has it own printer I will waste less tags. (Seriously!!) They also tell me that the fact that they just added ads to my jewelry software homepage is customer service. I think it is control. Does everything in life come down to control? Why can't I decide how many tag printers I need? Why can't I decide to opt out of homepage ads? Is the motto of control "It's for your own good"? What is "my own good"? Is it a way to service your need for control? How does the logic of computing stand up against the emotional needs of the programmer for control?
I see this a lot in computing. Steve Jobs could not give up control of anything, so the Ipad does not have the "flash" software. Does the phrase, that software is intuitive, mean that the programmer tried to be less controlling of the user?
Everyday, I think of control. Am I trying to control the urge to control? If I use logic, where do I lose emotion?
If I become less emotional and more logical, in order to be less controlling, do I lose my emotional ability to love fully?
I was told many years ago to "Let Go Let God". Does that mean letting go of logic? emotion?
I am letting go of the computer issues. I will use the software with logic and less emotion.
It is what it is.  

Sleep

All of my life I have had a love hate relationship with sleep. I think you are a born sleeper, or a non-sleeper. Guess which category I fall into???? The last two nights have been terrible, sleep wise. It occurred to me yesterday that it is the Halloween season contributing to this. I really don't like this season. I believe that a lot of dark energy is released on the planet. The release of more dark energy than usual, disturbs my sleep. Nightmares, anxieties, and weird things plague me when I am trying to sleep and during my sleep. I have tried almost everything  "out there", natural and pharmaceutical, to help with sleep. I have come to the conclusion that there is no help. You sleep or you don't. I dream a lot. Some dreams are what I call  lucid dreaming. That means that I know I am dreaming, but I can control many, if not all, aspects and directions of the dream. I dream in color and black and white. I see dead people. I see things that may or may not happen.... I see unborn babies. I fly a lot in my dreams.
When I wake up after six hours of unbroken sleep, I am ecstatic! It is such a rarity.
The upside of not sleeping is productivity. I get a lot done, because I am awake. I also get to read a lot.
I read that "not sleeping" is harder on your body than almost anything else you can do. I wonder if it is really all the caffeine that I use. (Not as much as I used to, and rarely past noon!).
I have never wanted to waste my time sleeping. I have so many things I want to do, so many books I want to read, so many movies I want to watch..........Really? I have to sleep?????
When I was a child, I would read late into the night, with a flashlight under the covers, until my parents just gave in and let me stay awake and read. My own children did that, too. One of my children is a good sleeper and one is like me? Genetics?
I don't often get sleepy. I tend to be an energizer bunny kind of person.  I have always envied my friends that can sleep anywhere, and do! Every once in awhile, I will do a 10 min power nap. I hate a nap longer than that, because it will totally take away any chance I might have of sleeping at night. Even when I "power nap", it is not really sleep. Little more than a doze.
I have read that I am not alone in this. Many people, famous and infamous, young and old, and from all walks of life do not sleep.
I say that I will sleep when I am dead. I am not even sure that is true!!!

Gratitude

Lula and Peanut-no worries-Pit Bull and Cat

A cat in a CAT hat

Today I am feeling particularly grateful. I know I am supposed to feel that all the time, but that's not my reality. I strive  not to need or desire anything....then my desire body just goes for it. I think about all the material things I have and all the blessings in my life and then the demon SHAME appears. Why can't I be grateful all the time? Why do I get whiny about taking care of extended family. Why do I crab about working a lot? I am ashamed that I cannot reach the perfect "grateful space" all the time. Don't get me wrong. I AM GRATEFUL. Some days I just feel an incredible sense of well being in the universe. Some days, not so much. What is the difference? I know that I have worked hard, but a lot of people work hard and do not have what I have. I know that I am generous and giving, but again, so are a lot of people and more than me. I get in the space where I feel like I need to get rid of all the material "stuff". Other days, I just want MORE!!! It is probably all wrapped up in fear. That seems to be the answer to everything. Shame, blame, guilt, and fear. Are they the four horsemen of the the apocalypse on a personal level?
Do I fear if I give up the material that I will have nothing to grow old with. Will I grow old? Where is my gratitude for the life I have been given?  Will I always just be waiting for the other shoe to fall?
I feel guilty about being comfortable in my life when so many are not. I feel ashamed to talk about my blessings to those who have less.
I am grateful for harmony and peace and friends and most of the family. ( See there is the guilt thing again! Should I be grateful for all of the family????) I am grateful that I am healthy and that I have wonderful children and they have wonderful mates. 
The top of my gratitude list is my husband. Wow! To meet your soul-mate and be blessed to live with him for decades.
I am not a person of many friends. I am so grateful for those that know me well and still like me!!!
Mayo Angelou says "When you know better, you do better." Everyday, I struggle to know better and to do better. I guess staying grateful is just another part of trying to live, what life I am blessed with, well.
I believe that attempting to be grateful all of the time is life changing. The life I am trying to change is my own.
I am grateful for the opportunity to try.

Time

Time. I think that time is the most elusive concept that there is to grasp. I have clocks in every room of my house. Sometimes I watch the clock. Time is often my enemy and occasionally my friend. This past weekend we had a visit by our second exchange student and her family. After our initial hello, she said" I am the exact age that you were when you took me in.". I was 40. I have not seen her in 21 years and have had almost no contact with her. Here is the funny thing about time, I felt like I had just seen her yesterday. No time had elapsed in our relationship. So the question is, what is time? Why do I look in the mirror and wonder when I began to look old. I (mostly) don't feel old. Where does time go?
Some people feel that they have too much time, some not enough.  What makes you rich or poor in time? Our vocabulary is built around "time". That look is timeless. They are old timers. Sometimes I feel that time is of the essence and other times I feel that I have all the time in the world. Magazines and newspapers are named after time.
Well, I guess all I can say is that it is time to go. I am going have a really good time and some time I will get back to this!

Control

Control.
The other day, my daughter called me and said," I am turning into you!". This is not the first time I have heard that from both of my children. Sometimes they tell me that they hear my voice in their head. I have not experienced that. I have spent my entire life trying not to be my parents. I love them. I love my mother more than my father, but that relationship has always been a work in progress.
I think it is about control. I want total control of everything all, of the time. Don't we all? The challenge is the release of control. I think that everything we do is about control. I believe fear is about control. I fear what I cannot control.
Why is my daughter saying that she is turning into me? Why does my son hear my voice in his head? Those comments come from me trying to teach them self control. Self control is the biggest part of control. It is the only part of my life I can control. I can control how I react and how I behave.
 I deal with the public everyday. I deal with family on a regular basis. I often witness people's reactions to fear and their lack of self control. Everyday I am faced with something to challenge me. How will I react? Mostly, I am good. Mostly, I am fearless and willing to relinquish control. Then, come the tests. I think, as I age, the tests just get harder. Maybe it is because time is getting shorter. Maybe it is because I am noticing them more.
The hardest tests seem to be with family. I guess it is because I believe that I was born into my family to learn and to balance my karma with them. The family I married into is probably the biggest test of all. The obligations of "in law" family are different. I feel, on some level, like they are not really my family and the same rules do not apply. Is there truth in this? I have no idea. I have decided, over the years, to just try to do my best and to respect that my husband loves his family. We decided, very early in our marriage, that we both had to be there for significant occasions. Everything else was a matter of choice. It has worked out well. I am better at controling my reactions and letting go with them.

Can I ever totally release the desire to control?
Will I ever master self control? Does anyone? Is that the definition of enlightenment?

Fear

Fear. I spend part of everyday of my life dealing with fear. It is insidious in it's forms. I can be moving routinely through my day, and out of nowhere, a thought, uninvited comes in. I love Eleanor Roosevelt's famous quote,
" Do one thing every day that scares you". Today I made a heritage cake recipe. It is from 1938 and is such and old recipe that adapting it to modern methods and ingredients is challenging. My fear, what if it doesn't turn out? So what. I am just serving it to family. So the fear is not really about the cake, the fear is failure. Fear of failure movtivates me constantly. What if I don't get something done and done well. Is that failure? What if my business does not succeed? Public failure (the worst kind!). Is it okay to be afraid? I am afraid of snakes. It is a fear that I just have not been able to conquer. I hate touching them, seeing them, or even being at the snake house in the zoo. I force myself to go in and look at every one of them. I have touched a few, but I still am afraid. Ultimately is the fear of snakes, a fear of pain, illness, and death? Is it a fear of not having control? (Like we ever do??????)
When I was 5, I experienced sheer terror at Starvation Rock State Park in Illinois. I stood near the edge of the rock and knew that being anywhere high was not for me. This fear grew with me. By the time I was 13, I decided I had to get a handle on it. I climbed the first flight of stairs of a fire tower and could not go any further. I thought that fear defined me. It ruled. I set out to change that. I would go on the highest double ferris wheel and shake and sweat when it stopped on the top. Every chance I got, I would try to conquer fear. It has been such a long process, but I believed if I could conquer that fear, I could do anything. Skydiving was the ultimate test. I did it, and did it well. Okay, now I am done with heights...... I wish. Every once in awhile I go somewhere and out pops the fear. Not a lot, but enough to let me know I can never truly be in control of anything!!!

The goal of my life has been to be fearless. Not reckless. Fearless. I want to face any and all challenges with the sure knowlege that I am not afraid. The big fears, loss of a child, death, and loss in every form, are still there. I know I can survive these losses, but there it is, sneaking into my thoughts, my dreams, my life. Is this the decade of loss?  Will I ever truly be fearless?

Picnic

Picnics. When I was young, a picnic was a family affair. We baked the beans, fried the chicken, and put the potato salad in the ice chest, with the iced tea and kool aid, and headed out. We had table cloths for the picnic table and little covers for the food to keep the flies off. Fast forward. 2011. Today we went on a picnic. We grabbed the dog, drove through Taco Bell, and headed for the river. We feasted on our tacos, (all three of us) while sitting on a rock and watching the water go by. I loved the picnics as a kid, but today's was perfect.

Alone

Alone. I spend a lot of time alone. I am basically a social person, but I crave that alone time. I think about it a lot. One of the things " I know for sure" is that we are ultimately alone. What is the tipping point for too much time alone, when alone turns into lonely?  I know I have reached that point many times, but I usually just find a project or pick up a book and do my best to turn it back into alone time. I was alone today and family came to town. I was a little irritated with my time alone being interrupted, but family wins, sometimes. I left and spent the family time, only to get a call that MORE family is in town. I decided not to go. Will these decisions of not wanting to see people ultimately end up in lonely when I am old and alone?