It is what it is.

I hear the phrase"It is what it is" often. My brother with a special needs child uses it. I think people who are in a place that they cannot change, or feel they cannot change, use it. 

Lately, I have been using it. There are some things in life that just are. Obligations. Health. Relationships. 

 I find my self becoming more cynical as I age. 

Cynical, according to Webster's is:

Believing that people are motivated by self-interest; distrustful of human sincerity or integrity.
Doubtful as to whether something will happen or is worthwhile. 

  Am I cynical? More and more so.

 I am particularly distrustful of the government and their motives. 

I deal with the public every day. Many of our customers are wonderful, but there is always that group of self involved people that you have to deal with.

Do I have doubts about the whether something worthwhile is going to happen? Absolutely. I am so disappointed in our election season. Is there a solution? No. It is what it is. 

 Do the banks disappoint? It is what it is. 

 Do I have obligations in my family, my job, and my life? It is what it is. 

 Can I change the aging process? Can I change the health of my friends and family? Can I change anything but my attitude. It is what it is. 

 That seems like a flat or harsh attitude to some, but I believe it is just facing reality. I can moan, groan, bitch, and complain, or I can laugh and accept, but the situations remain the same. It is what it is.

 I understand that I cannot change the way my  family and my friends are. I can change my response to them. In a lot of cases, I just try to love and accept them and know that it is what it is. 

Do I believe change is coming? Yes. Do I believe it is positive and for the greater good? Not so much.
 Everyday I look for answers. Everyday I work for the positive attitude. 

 At what point is acceptance the answer? Do you just become more and more cynical and give up? 

Do you fight the good fight and know that often it is an exercise in futility?

                                      Mark and Lauren


Or, do you just understand that "It is what it is." and move on to the next thing.

Desiderata

Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its shams, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.   By Max Ehrmann -Written in 1927

I had this on a poster on my wall for many years. I think it shows me that life really does not change. We all have the same needs and goals and they are timeless. 

  
                            Today I needed this reminder. It helped.

The Messy Bits

 We all know that life is uncertain. We just choose not to think about it. Yesterday, that truth was shoved in my face again. I was boarding a flight from Indianapolis to Phoenix when my cell phone rang. It was a call from a stranger telling me that a friend of mine had been found dead in her home, apparently from a stroke.
Her name was Linda. Linda and I have a long history. I met her when we worked together in the same ICU in Houston. She dated my husbands best friend for awhile. She moved to Austin. I moved to Phoenix. We never lost touch. Every time we spoke it was as if time had not passed and we were on the same page. We weathered divorces, we both remarried, and we had children. She had one, my godchild, Carmen. She became a widow, way too young. Life went on. She had an aneurysm, but recovered. Life was good. Our keeping in touch became sporadic, but we never let too much time pass without talking or emailing to each other.
Two weeks ago, she called me. We talked a little, and she was having a hard time with her memory.I guess the stroke was near. I will miss her. She was a part of my life and a part of my history. My memories of her are good ones and happy ones. There will be no service. There will be no eulogy.  This is my tribute to her.
Again, a reminder to us all to hug the ones you love. Call the ones you cannot hug. Forgive stupidity and craziness.
I was watching a movie on the plane. One of the characters said that life is made up of the messy bits. I guess this is just one more of those bits! Until we meet again, my dear friend.

                                                  Linda and Carmen

Expectations

 I told my husband last night that I am feeling grouchy. When he asked me why, I said that I feel like the "illusion of control" has been ripped away from me. I get that I have no control over anything, except the way I react, but I like the illusion that I do! 

 Last week was July 4th week. It is always a big deal. We have a party at a friend's garage, across the street from the fireworks, and the family comes to visit. 

 This year it seemed hard. It was harder because my cat, Moe, got injured by an unknown assailant two days before the 4th and had to have his right ear amputated. (Expensive and stressful.)

 I felt tired. I wanted to be light and happy and helpful, but the reality was, I felt  grouchy, stressed and tired. That is not the fault of anyone but me. I pushed through and did everything that was expected of me. I smiled, I worked, I played with my grandson, and got all the tasks done. I tried very hard not to show how grouchy I felt.

 It got me to thinking how often I have done that. Push through, meet the expectations that everyone seems to have for me. Am I a better person for having done that? Was there ever an option? Are the perceived expectations real? or do I just think that they are? What would happen if I didn't push through?

 I have really high standards for myself and my behavior. When I don't live up to those standards, I think I suffer more than anyone around me. 

 My daughter in law asked me once if I ever fully relaxed. What a difficult question. I would love to say yes, but I am not sure that is true. I have "down" time, but full relaxation is a hard one.

 I get massages, but it seems that I often am having a conversation with the therapist or solving a problem while that is happening. Maybe, I just don't know how to shut up!!

 My biggest stress relief is exercise. If that cycle is interfered with, life becomes really difficult. 

 I think there is guilt in relaxing. I come from a very strong work ethic and never really felt ok about "doing nothing". 

 I love to read. I love to cook. I love to watch tv and movies. I love to exercise.  I love to be alone. 

When I am alone, I read. I watch tv and movies. (I rarely am sitting still when I do this. I am usually doing a task of some sort.) 

Is all of this my form of relaxation? Is the solution to the stress just spending more time alone? Maybe.....

 I am organized. I like routine. I cope with change, but it takes a little time on my part. When my routine gets thrown out, there goes my "illusion of control"! 

 Does it really matter if I get it all done?

I believe that when you routinely do something well with a positive attitude that people expect you to always be that person. I believe that you set yourself up for that perception of you in their reality. If you fail to live up to that perception they are disappointed and then you end up questioning yourself. What a circle that becomes.
 I make waffles on Sunday morning for my husband. He is an easy going guy. If I wanted, he would take me out to breakfast. The expectation is, though, that I will make waffles. I love to make waffles. I love to cook. It is an expectation that is shared by both of us.
What differentiates that kind of expectation from others? I believe that it is security in the knowing that if I change anything, it will be okay.
 I think that we hope that many of the expectations that have been put upon us by others are not "written in stone". Just because I did the task and took on the responsibility does not mean I want it every time. Just because I did the right thing, does not mean I was job hunting!
 I have to watch myself in the same manner. Do I always expect the same from my friends? I need to learn to "Let go, Let God".
I am always telling myself to lower my expectations and I will never be disappointed. Is that just an unwillingness to let people be who they are? Or, is it a way of protecting myself and my feelings?
 Is it unreasonable for all of us to have a certain level of expectation of behavior from those close to us? I reality, I think not. Do we all need to be flexible and accepting and loving? I think we do.
 I want to be that helpful person that people can depend on.This is my expectation of myself.

  I am that person.

Responsiblility

I think responsibility is the ability to answer one question. "If I don't do it, who will?"

 I have been the "responsible one" for decades.

 I had a working mother and younger siblings. I was raised to work. I chose nursing. I am a wife. I am a mother. I own a business. 

 At some point in my life, I became the one who took care of everyone and everything.When that transition takes place, everyone just assumes whatever needs to be done, will be, and they are right. It becomes a lifestyle. 

Now, I am working hard at letting all of it go. Not being the responsible one. What agony that is. I want to make sure it is all done. I want the control. I want the satisfaction of seeing things taken care of. I have a great fear of letting loose. 

 The hardest test is letting my children totally go. I am getting much better at it. I believe that is just another facet of fear. What if they fail????? What if their life isn't perfect??? (Really, whose life is??)

 It is hard for me to respect people who are not being responsible. I guess that is another form of judgement.......the same test over and over again.

 What if????? What if I don't do it? Will it get done? Does it really need to be done? What are the consequences to everyone? To myself?
 My goal is to only be responsible for myself. My actions. My life.
 If I give up this insane amount of responsibility, what will I do with all of my free time? Who will I be? 
 My self image is totally immersed in being that person who does it all.  How much of that reality is with me forever and how much can I release? Is it really ok to not be "the one"?
I have been learning to say "no" for the last couple of years. It is so hard. I want to do it all. I want to help everyone. 
 I am learning to focus my energy. I am learning where to be responsible. Some things you cannot avoid. Elderly family, business, and marriage will always be places that I need to be aware and responsible.
 I enjoy the responsibility of my home. I like doing laundry and dishes. (I sure didn't when I was young!)  I love my business. I want to take care of those I love. I never want to give up  family. 
 I think my personality will never allow me to be totally irresponsible, but I am going to give it my best shot!!!

Awakening

I read a blog about spiritual awakening the other day. They even had 12 signs that supposedly let you know when your spirit is coming awake!
 I decided to look at these 12 signs and see how I am doing.

1. An increased tendency to let things happen, rather than make them happen.

I am so not there. I think that if I don't get it done, it probably won't get done! I am willing to be more flexible with my life and if I feel overwhelmed, I just let go. That is a little let go, not a big one!

2. Frequent attacks of smiling.

This one I am pretty good at. I find humor in most things and I am really willing to laugh at myself and the absurdities of life!

3. Feelings of being connected with others and nature. 

I totally get this one. I understand unity. I feel the cosmic pull of life. I understand the mass consciousness of the planet. I feel it. I watch it. I try not to be pulled into it. (Sometimes, I even accomplish that!)

4. Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation. 

Again, I have this one. I am grateful. I have everything. My life is incredible.

5. A tendency to think and act spontaneously, rather than from fears based on past experiences.

This is a work in progress. Every day of my life, I work on becoming fearless.

6. An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.

Fail. I enjoy many moments of my life, but I don't enjoy them all. I work through things better than I used too, but I am so not there!

7. A loss of ability to worry. 

I believe if you have family, you worry.

8. A loss of interest in conflict.

I have never been really good at conflict. I had way too much as a child, so I have never had an interest in it. I avoid conflict whenever I can.

9. A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others. 

Again, fail!! I love to interpret the actions of others. Analyzation  is as natural to me as breathing. I analyze everything in my life and everyone.

10. A loss of interest in judging others. 

Everyday I work on not being judgmental.  It is so hard. I come from a Baptist background and the religion itself is judgmental. I learned it well.  It is a constant test in my life. I am doing much better, though. I think this is a test that I will eventually pass. Forgiveness is such a big part of this one.

11. A loss of interest in judging self. 

I am not sure how you can attempt to change without self judgement. I believe that you have to forgive yourself. That is probably the hardest one of all.

12. Gaining the ability to love without expecting anything. 

I believe that I am doing well with this one. I love many people and my expectations are very low. I am essentially just happy to know them.

So, Am I becoming spiritually awake? I don't know.

I do know that everyday I work hard on my life and my being. I do know that everyday I try to become fearless. Everyday, I try to forgive myself and try not be judgmental. I know that life is a gift and I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow in this life. I know that everyone is in my life for a reason and I have to work to understand and appreciate the reason. I know that everything I experience will teach me something, if I let it.


 I know that I want to be the best I can be and I will work really hard to get there.
 

  

Wanderlust.

Everyday I plan a trip, work on the details of a trip, or think about where the next trip should be to.

I have always had the wanderlust. The more income I had, the farther and more often I traveled. When I was in high school, I used to look at a picture of the ocean on the wall. I couldn't wait to go there. The day I turned 21, I was loading a u haul to move there. Any ocean would have done, I just ended up on Galveston Island, Texas.

Ever since then, I have worked so I have the money to travel. I am self employed so I have the time to travel. I have employees, so my business continues while I travel. I have a housesitter, so my pets are cared for while I travel. 

I often contemplate living a simpler lifestyle and just traveling. Sell off lots of stuff, rent a small place, and travel. It still may be in my future.....who knows. It is a constant discussion in my head.

One of my biggest motivating factors is aging. I have seen so many people who put off traveling and all of a sudden  they are sick or old, or both, and it is over. The opportunity is gone. 

I decided that I would not be that person. If I had to stop today, my regrets over missed places would be few. 

I am not too particular about where I go. Anyplace new is good. I do have a list that I am working my way through. The problem is that the list changes all of the time! World conditions change. Places I wanted to see are now off the list due do to the violent nature of the situations in those countries.

 I have become efficient at traveling. I have a wardrobe devoted to it. I have packing lists. The suitcases are updated on a regular basis.I have frequent flier miles. I play the points game with the hotels, etc. I plan, but I have learned to roll with the unexpected!!!

I come back from a trip, tired, and knowing that I am done traveling for awhile. In a day or two, I am planning the next trip, or getting ready for it. I plan trips years in advance. I take trips on the spur of the moment. My traveling companions change. 

 Traveling with others is either easy or it is not. There is no middle ground. We have friends that we can go anywhere with, and it is easy. We have traveled with friends that are really challenging. Sometimes, you take the challenge, for the destination!

I like to "power tour". I want to see as much as possible in the time I have. I like adventure. Zip lines, boat rides, helicopter rides, train rides, and tours. I am not one to lay around or sit around in a new place.

 Vacations are different. I go to the same place, do the same things. Read books. Nap. That is not "traveling".

I tried to give my children a good mix of traveling and vacations. They both went to Europe twice when they were in high school. 

I am currently on a domestic travel kick. Even as I say that, I am planning to leave the country three times this year!!!!

Where does the wanderlust come from? Is it genetic? Is it curiosity?

I do know that travel is life changing and addicting. Meeting people from other places, seeing other ways of living, eating new and different food, using all kinds of different transportation, and dealing with many many unusual situations! We have gotten on the wrong train in lots of different countries!!!
Everyday I am grateful for the opportunities that I have been given in this life. Traveling is one of them. My traveling companions are another. It is a blessing to have friends and family that enjoy going with you. 

I don't know when my traveling days will end. I do know that it will be too soon!

Let Go Let God

Is the world really getting harder to live in? Are the "times" harder than before? Am I just aging and everything feels harder? 

  In the last couple of weeks, I have had two family members hospitalized. One, a parent, was made ill by bad medicine. One, a sibling, was saved by good medicine. 

  I felt a major amount of stress in both cases. I felt stress because I am 1600 miles away. I know that realistically I could do the same thing here, as there, but I just felt far away. Say a prayer, call, be available. That does not change, wherever you are.

 I am doing double duty at my job right now. More stress. It is not that I can't do it, it is just that I don't want to do the extra work.

 My friend calls me today. She has out stressed me. Her father is dying. Her daughter and son in law got put in jail today, and another son just had a baby. She wins. 

 What to do with all of this energy swirling around me?  I exercise. I walk. I lift weights. I eat. I don't sleep. 

I am trying to understand the nature of  stress. Is it just lack of control? I feel out of control in any given situation, so I call it stress and I react mentally and physically? Will my feelings change the situation? Will the situation change my feelings? Where do I drop emotions and just be? When do I just let go?

   Do I change anything by allowing myself to feel the stress? What if I ignore those feelings? Will they come back to bite me in some new and awful way? Or will they just go away?  Is life just one big reaction to everyone and everything that happens? 

What if I just stop reacting. Will that remove the stress? What if I just try to live in the moment? 

   I was taught the essence of being is Let Go Let God. I think I struggle with that concept daily. Let go of everything???? Let God do what????"?

 The concept of "living for now" is very popular in New Age circles and Eastern religion. In theory, I love it. In reality, I struggle. Do I ignore the future? If I think about the future, will it stress me? If I don't think about it, will it stress me? If I don't plan, will everything be good? 

 I understand the not living in the past thing. No good can come out of rehashing old wrongs and hurts. Some of them just need to stay buried. Forgiveness comes into play here, but that is another whole blog!

 I think silence helps shed stress. I think being alone helps. I think exercise helps. I think hard work helps. I think sharing with a friend helps. I think the ocean helps.

I know that sometimes, nothing helps. You just have to endure. 

THE BLESSING

 One of the definitions of blessing is: Something promoting or contributing to happiness and  well-being.

  No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. That has been said a lot. I don't know if that it is true in your youth. As I age, I seem to understand more about myself. I look back, as many do, and say who was that person 20 or 30 years ago? 

 I spent a lot of my life looking for blessings that would never come. I received blessings that I never expected. I have given blessings to many, especially young men and women, that have come through my life. I believe that we have to promote happiness and well being in everyone.

 I think about "the blessing". In the Bible, Jacob stole Esau's blessing. It has always been a big deal. People shape their lives around it. They become someone they are not, just so they can have the "blessing" and approval that they believe they need.

 I think the blessing we look for first and maybe the most, is the blessing from our parents. I believe that I finally received that blessing. I think I had to go through a lot to get it. I had to stop wanting it. I had to become my own person. I had to understand that I never really needed it. When I understood all of that, I understood that it was always mine for the taking. That my parents, and I think this is true of most, did the best they could, and if they didn't, it had nothing to do with me.

 One of my children called me and asked for my blessing on a major life change. I told my child that I would not give an opinion, but I would give my blessing. I said that asking the old ones to make life decisions for the young is a bad idea. We get afraid as we age. In youth, there is more passion and less fear. 

I would not be where I am today, if I listened to the old ones tell me it was a bad idea to start my business.
 I am trying to give my children the blessing of unconditional love. It is a hard one. Of course, I love them, of course, I would give my life for them. The hard part is watching them make mistakes.

 It all comes down to control, doesn't it?

 I want my children to feel blessed. I want them to know that it is okay to be who they are. That I will always be there. I know that sometimes, I don't communicate it to them as well as I could. (Control??) (Fear??) I will continue to try. 
I strive for the positive outlook. I want people around me to feel okay. I want to feel okay. 
Is the lesson here, not to judge anyone for any reason? Hard one. Can I live the rest of my life trying to give positive blessings to the people around me and never judging? How open can my heart and mind be? Can I really "Let go and let God"? 
This is a daily struggle.I know that there is a moral way to live. Is it my right to define that morality for everyone? and to judge those that disagree with me?
Is it right to withhold a blessing? Or just to pick and choose whom you love and respect and bless with positive energy?
I think that you don't have to involve yourself with what you consider immoral or wrong, but when does the action of a person, become the person?
Bless the person and abhor the action. What a goal!  Has anyone reached that goal? Jesus? Mother Theresa? Other saints?
I like to ask the question, "What do mere mortals do?" I think the answer is that we do the best we can.

I am blessed and I know it every day of my life.

MIGHTY RIVER

Sometimes you just get up on the "wrong side of the bed".  When that happens to me, the day seems to just dare me to react badly. You run into people you would like to never see again, (It happens way too often in a small town!), you have situations thrown at you that would frustrate you on a good day, and you work in retail, so you have to smile.
 Every task seems monumental. Nothing seems to turn out right. The people that love you just do their very best to walk softly around you!

Then, the light dawns. Damn, it is not all about me. So what if I didn't sleep well. Waa. So what if my job duties are doubled. Waa. This could go on for hours.....

Everything I am dealing with is no big deal in the grand scheme of things. Get over it. Move on. Try for the genuine smile. Be grateful. 

 Then, everything seems easier. The shoulders drop, the frustration and irritation flows away, and life is just life.
  Once I am back in the flow, I wonder how I ever left it. Why did I ever think it was about me? 
Why did I forget that I am a drop of water in a mighty river?
I am so grateful for the river.

HAPPY LITTLE ENDORPHINS

This week I lost my gym and my assistant. The gym is being replaced with another gym. The assistant will be back eventually......

 I am reflecting on stressful change. The thought of losing the gym was difficult at best. The gym is where I leave my stress. I love happy little endorphins dancing in my head! Who knew that I would love weight lifting as much as I do? I didn't. 

 In  October 1986 I decided that I would get serious about going to a gym. I have always walked. I have taken the occasional exercise class. I have tried Curves. I liked Curves, I just got bored with going round and round in a circle.

 The gym offered me variety. The gym offered me an opportunity to work with a trainer. The gym offered me free weights!!

I signed up with a trainer that I have known over the years. Our children grew up in the same school and classes and even some of the same sports. 

 We decided that I would come in three times a week for one hour. Little did I know how life changing that decision would be!

 The first weeks were horrific. I was in pain everyday. It was not fun. I wanted fun and "easy" good health, not pain! In my mind I called my trainer the "Queen of Pain". QP for short.

 I made some life changing decisions during that time. I decided that I would conquer and deal with the pain. I decided never to be embarrassed that I was the "oldest, fattest girl at the gym". I decided that no matter how much I hated an exercise, that I would not say anything  that might influence my trainer and  I would do my best to excel at it. I decided that the three hours a week were to be "written in stone" in my life and I would work around them with my job and my family. This was my time. I decided that I would always find the money to make this happen. I decided to laugh at myself. 

 I discovered that I love weight lifting. I discovered that I love endorphins. I discovered that the loved ones in my life love that fact that I go to the gym. I discovered that I love the trainer and the job she does. 

 A new gym is a new chapter in my life. New routines. New machines. New people.  Change. I am sure that even though this change is painful, as all change is, that it will bring new discoveries.

 My bookkeeper, assistant, and friend has gone on an eight week leave of  absence. The biggest change is that her job will roll over on to me.  Waa waa waa. She has worked with me off and on for decades. I am spoiled. I depend on her. 

 I will do the job, try not to whine too much,  and God willing, she will be back in June. 

 Until then, I really need the "happy little endorphins"!

CAUGHT

They caught the young man who threatened us. It fills me with a sense of relief and a lot of questions. He was arrested on the charge of "conspiracy to commit felony robbery". He forever changed his life and ours by a threat.
 Is he truly evil? Has he done many things to lead up to this point? Is he just a wanna be that thought he could use a gun and steal from others? 
 He had a job in a local deli. He is only 26. Was he looking for excitement? To impress his friends? Was he desperate? Did he really understand the seriousness of the whole situation? Will this arrest wake him up? Will it change his life for the better?
 His threat changed our lives. We act differently, we see customers differently. We think about our future differently. 
 I know that many paths are presented to us as we walk through life. Daily we choose our direction. We choose good or evil. I will pray for him. I will pray that his life is forever changed to the good.
 I will know that my life is forever changed because he made me more aware of evil.

GUNS

I had to buy a gun.  I have never bought a gun before. I have won guns at charity events, I have been given guns, but I have never bought one. I never thought that I would NEED to buy one. 

 I was raised with guns. I have a deep respect for guns. I have shot many kinds of rifles and shotguns, but I have never shot a hand gun. 

 Buying a gun was not a fun experience. I waited in line behind 17 people at the Bass Pro shop to get the gun I had ordered. I saw more than 17 guns being purchased. (You can buy 5 on one permit!) I filled out the paperwork, passed the background check, bought the ammo and I now own a handgun.

 I like the gun. It is the gun the police recommended. I researched it. It is small. It is deadly. 

I hate the reasons for the gun. I hate that it might actually get used for more than target practice.
 I am not a killer. I don't like killing anything. I eat meat. I approve of hunting. I understand that deadly force can be necessary.
 I don't know, short of protecting a loved one, that I can kill. Does anyone really know that? I have had some sleepless nights recently, and one of the things that is keeping me awake is, what am I capable of doing? 
  I would like to think that I am a person who lives in a non violent state of mind. I would like to think that I could never use deadly force. I would like to think that I would never need to use deadly force. Do I live in la la land? 
 The events of the past few days have been life changing. I will never see some things the same. The shadows will always be in the back of my mind.  

Fear has been stopped at my door step, but I have been given new eyes. 

TRUE FEAR

Day 1
I have experienced true fear and anxiety and it was shocking. I never thought that I would react with such physical symptoms. Shaking, chills, and nausea. 
We  were given some information that our business was going to be robbed at gun point the next morning. Shocking news. This news was delivered just as we sat down to our Valentine's day family dinner. Total loss of appetite. Shock. We were told to be at the business early in the morning where the SWAT team would be waiting. 
The night was horrid. I shook, I had chills, I prayed, I dreaded morning, and I did not sleep. Every scenario played through my mind. What if, what if, what if. I hate those words and yet I just could not make them go away.
 Day 2 
 I got up in the morning and put on clothes that I thought blood would come out easier if I were shot. I chose my least favorite jewelry to wear, in case it was stolen off of me. I put on running shoes.
The police called early and said that we should act normal! Seriously. We took one vehicle in and let them know when we arrived. They said we were safe, that they had "eyes on us".  The nausea only got worse. The anxiety heightened.
  The SWAT team arrived and slipped in the back door. Big guns. Bullet proof vests. Helmets. 
 The employees arrived and we had to all be "normal". 
We had to change our inventory to look good, but not be valuable. We had to hide the valuables in odd places. We had to hide the bulk of the cash. Photographs of everything were taken.
The call then came, that it probably would not be today, but tomorrow. Great. 
Every time the door opened my heart raced. Every customer was scrutinized. Paranoia reigned supreme. We had to cancel all plans for the day. No one could leave the store early.
We had to doing everything in pairs. No going to the bank or post office alone. 
Finally, we started to joke and laugh. Humor is a true form of salvation. 
The SWAT team left and said they would return in the morning. 
Fear retreated, but did not leave. Anxiety sits on the door step. Appetite is missing. Conversations about possible realities take place. Who should be in the show room if they come. What if the unthinkable happens? The men are determined to protect the women. The women are determined to stand with them. Everyone has been told to hit the floor and crawl to the back if something happens. 
 Finally, it is time to close. Such relief. Everyone has to leave together.
 There is no cooking tonight. Thai food. Comfort food, but no real appetite to eat it.  Hunker down. Don't go outside. Keep the alarm on. Don't talk about it. Wait for morning. 
 Day 3. 
 Up early after another sleepless night. Fatigue may win over fear! The Police called and said maybe today. The SWAT team would be in, same time, same place. I suppose we are getting better at this. Still nausea, IF I allow the thoughts to intrude in the morning routine. 
Paranoia still reigns at the store. No robbery. Everyone is still on high alert, but we can at least use our cell phones. 
The SWAT team leaves around noon and we are left, again, to ponder the activities of the morning. 
 We try to act normal. We take care of customers. We look at every customer and every car with suspicion. 
 We laugh and joke and I run out (alone!!!) and buy Frosties for everyone. ( I call it hostage relief!!) 
The Chief of Police calls and says no SWAT team tomorrow. Their "eyes" will be on the outside and on the bad guys. 
We all experience relief, then the what if's start. After all of this, are we okay on our own? Will the bad guys come after us before the good guys can stop them?
 I talk to my friends. I think I need the support, in spite of the police "silence rule". I know who talks and who doesn't.  I have such a loving support group. It reinforces in me that true friends are few and how grateful I am for them.
 I feel so loved and supported. 
 I hate these feelings of fear. I have always known that I am in a business that is a target for bad people, but I truly hate it when it when the reality brings it home and makes it personal. 
 About five years ago, the business had a burglary. I felt so violated. The bad guys came in under MY DESK. Our life changed that day in so many ways. We had an alarm system installed in our home. We became so much more security conscious. I still carry the paranoia of that time with me. Now.....
 The positive is that we have reassessed our preparedness for the worst scenario.  We have had conversations we would not have had. I have faced an extraordinary amount of fear, stress and anxiety and survived.  I have taken care of business while stepping around BIG guns! 
 I have no idea what days 4, 5, 6, etc. will bring. I do know that I can handle it.  I faced the fear. I will face it again, as often as I have to and I never have to face it alone. I am supported. I am loved.
 I am even getting hungry!

Tennesee

 Our spring buying show was in Nashville, TN this year. I love it when the show is in an interesting place and we can wrap a trip around it. 

We went with two good friends and met two good friends there. It was held in the Opryland hotel. The hotel   covers over 41 acres and includes a river and waterfalls, under a glass ceiling. There are restaurants and bars and shops and a boat that takes you on the river. It is a delightful place. We had a wonderful convention and such a great time with good friends. 

 One of the reasons is was such a good experience, is that we all embraced the "group mentality". Group mentality, for me, is a challenging place to be. I think it is really challenging  when everyone has to give up their individual control to the group. We had a group of six, and the leader changed with the situation. We all met every group challenge with laughter.  In my experience, it is rare to be in that group. 

  One evening we went to the Grand Ole Opry. It was held in the old Ryman Auditorium in downtown Nashville. The show was traditional and had it's good acts. The cast is elderly but the guest artists vary. It was fun to be there. We had been there once before, years ago. Some of the same cast members were performing. It seemed like we were experiencing a little piece of history. 

 We spent a day at the Hermitage, which was the home of Andrew Jackson. It is a beautifully preserved home. It even has the original wallpaper on the walls. I was impressed with the honest way that they treated the history of slavery. I really like it when history is not revised.

We ate at a lot of nice restaurants. The specialty of the state is catfish. We did not partake. I am just not really good at the "bottom feeder" thing. We did eat a lot of fried food, chicken, hush puppies, etc. My gall bladder was screaming by the end of the week!

 

                          Cock of the Walk restaurant!

We decided to drive the Natchez Trace National Scenic Trail to Memphis. We drove over 100 miles on the road. Beautiful road, wonderful scenery, great hiking trails. No restaurants! We lived on trail mix and snacks that day!!

Memphis has Graceland and Beale Street. Not much else from what I saw. 

We spent a day at Graceland. I am not a big Elvis fan, but I did find Graceland interesting. I also have a huge admiration for their marketing machine! Wow! It was all Elvis, all the time. 

                              Graceland. 


Beale Street is the home of the blues. It is a couple of blocks of honky tonks. Loud music. Lots of booze. Strange people. We took some pics and left. Just not our kind of place. 

  We spent the next day at the Shiloh Battlefield. It is a big place. So many lives lost. (Over 26,000 total.) The battlefield is very close to what is was 150 years ago. It just reinforced in me how much I have always hated war. I was in college in the Vietnam war era and I have never changed my opinion. 

Our last day, we went to Lynchburg to tour the Jack Daniels distillery. Ironically, it is in a dry county where no alcohol can be served. It was an interesting tour. I learned a lot about whiskey.

Jack on the rocks!

 I sometimes forget how much water there is back east. We were around waterfalls, big rivers, swamps and a lot of creeks. I loved it, but it reinforced in me how much I love the big sky and vast emptiness of Arizona.

                                               Tennessee River

 

                                 

6 Words

I came across a magazine the other day that had an article called Six words. The point of the article is to describe your life in six words. What a  fun challenge. Here are some of my attempts.

I always see the big picture.

I love and hate food daily.

I think of my family first.
I am blessed to have children.

I wonder everyday who I am.

I am surprised by my mirror.

I love Robert more than anyone.

Work has always been my life.
I work so I can travel.
Traveling opens and enriches my mind.

Never leave without using the bathroom.

Once a nurse always a nurse.
Weight lifting totally changed my life. 

Every night I hope to sleep.
Marriage is completed by good sex.

I crave quiet I crave noise.
The ocean always restores my soul.

Art and culture are my delight.

Life is empty without a challenge.

The universe works in mysterious ways.

My animals have enriched my life.

Life brings very few true friends. 

Fear always lives on my doorstep.  

Every day is a new adventure. 

Who will death come for today?  

Misery

French writer Joseph Joubert (1754-1824) said "Misery is almost always the result of thinking". According to Einstein: ... We ourselves are responsible for our own deeds, happiness and misery. ... We are the architects of our own fate. ...

I think about that a lot. I believe that most of us are the cause of our own misery. I know, fate steps in and accidents happen, but even then, our reactions dictate our life.  I have very little misery in my life, at this moment. Any I do have is squarely my own fault. I eat too much, don't exercise enough and my clothes get tight. I stay up too late and the next day I am tired. These are little miseries. Nothing life threatening. 

I am watching friends and family deal with big miseries. Marital issues. Elderly parents. Declining economy. Difficult children. Siblings. Aging. Disease.

I think inertia, stubbornness, and fear are huge factors in our misery. We don't want to deal with something or someone, so we don't. We hate change, so we are stubborn about listening to anyone tell us what needs to be done. We are totally afraid of the future. We are afraid of really looking at our self or the situation that we are in. We are afraid of honesty.  (When you truly look, you have to see.) 

I sometimes find it really difficult to have the empathy and sympathy I need. I look at a situation and I think, "Architect of your own misery, now fix it!". Sometimes, I even say it. (I think that it is not a popular thing for me to do.) Does that mean I am harsh? Maybe, a little. I mostly think of it as reality. Even then, I try very hard to be supportive. I understand that we are all flawed and are doing the best we can at any given moment. After all, who am I to judge? Almost everything I have learned, is from my own ineptitude and misery. (And occasionally from watching others!!) 

 There is so much misery in the world. War and famine and petulance and plagues. How do my little miseries compare? They don't. I work everyday to remember that. How can I make my own little corner of the world less miserable? 

 I am trying to fix my little miseries or live with them without whining or complaining. I strive everyday to make decisions that will not make me, or the people around me, miserable, now or in the future. How successful am I? That varies from moment to moment.

 I know that a good attitude and a willing heart make the difference. Give, give, give. Give your time. Give your money. Be grateful daily. I am striving to be aware. Trying to pay attention. Trying to be nice. Trying not to be self destructive. Trying to notice that everyone has pain and misery. Trying to smile at everyone. Trying to laugh. ( Especially at myself.)


Abraham Lincoln said "We are as happy as we choose to be. " I think the same thing can be said for misery. We can embrace it, or we can do everything in our power to remove it and it's causes from our life. 

                                        I CHOOSE HAPPY.